Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Tuesday's child is full of grace. I call "BULLSHIT!"

Equilibrium is not my friend. If there were a way I could give up being a biped and walk on all fours, I'd pounce all over it. With all fours. Seriously. I would. Maybe you think I am exaggerating, but I'm not. The first time I read, "Tuesday's child is full of grace." on a paper place mat at a diner in New Jersey, I thought,"No way in hell am I full of grace", knocked over a glass of water which spilled everywhere.

Yeah, I'm a class act.

Think I might be exaggerating again? Oh, don't I wish! You should have been with me on a recent business trip. I was staying at a wonderful hotel, but after my two night stay there I was bruised all over my legs. Why? I kept running into my own damn bed. I must have run into that thing at least 10 times. Pathetic isn't it? It's a bed, it's a fairly large bed at that and yet I just couldn't seem to stop some sort of relentless masochistic ritual of hitting myself with it when walking around my hotel room.

So this brings us to the other day when I was working out with Vionna. Vionna knows all about my lack of coordination. I have explained to her how I was a Flag Twirler in highschool and never got the routines right. It was so bad my own mother chose to believe I was a soloist. See, when you work out with a trainer, you need to be willing to disclose some very personal and private information about yourself (and then post it on the Internet for all to see).

Vionna and Sarah have seen me fall off the Bosu -which I sometimes refer to as the Bonsai, but most often call it Erykah- regularly. But even so, I fall off the ball and get right back up again. This is dedication my friends.

This next part I may have the sequence wrong, but the end result is the same, I bruised myself. First when Vionna left me outside while she went inside to get something, she wasn't expecting to turn around and see me fall over in slowMo after trying to balance on one leg and to reach down to touch a small orange safety cone. The idea was supposed to be me moving my body in one giant motion, much like one of these only on one leg and not putting the other foot down in between dips. I did it like that for about 3 times, but then all hell broke loose. I put my foot down once. I know, total cheat. Then by the 9th time I was out of control. I dipped down and then I tilted. I tilted a lot. I tilted so much I fell right over. Vionna suggested I stop doing the balance bobbing thing. I didn't feel like fighting her so I agreed.

Next we went on to an exercise where I was laying on my back on a mat. I raised both of my legs to form the letter L. I had a 5 pound dumbell in my hand and the idea was to lift my arm with the dumbell, and bring it kitty corner to my opposite leg. This was supposed to help my Obliques I think. I did it once and hit my shin with the dumbell. I tried again, I hit myself again. Vionna asked, "Are your eyes open?" I answered, "Of course they are. Why? Do your other clients do this exercise with their eyes closed?" Then I switch hands and try the other leg and hit myself with the dumbell some more. Maybe my shins are magnetic.

Oh, yesterday? Sarah already described the crazy ball exercise. Vionna ended up telling me to stop using the ball because I hit myself in the face with it.

I wonder if any famous people look as stupid as I do when I work out and if so, were they born on a Tuesday.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Karmic Payback at the Gym

Just the other day I was telling my friends Lori and Matt that I hadn't had a migraine in about eight months.

If you are laughing then you understand how freaking stupid it was of me to say something like that out loud.

I went to my workout today for the first time in about three weeks. Shameful, I know, but I have been insanely busy with the beginning of preschool. (Don't even ask me why I volunteered to be on the board. I must have been temporarily insane.)

Vionna had Devra and I doing our rounds (rows, riverdance*, push-ups, some evil abs exercise involving a giant ball, and a squad thing with weights - damn. I'm articulate. I should be a writer or something.) and I started seeing spots.

I have to admit, the first thing that occurred to me was that I was so out of shape (I haven't even thought about exercising in two weeks. Well, no I've thought about it, I just haven't done it.) I was having some sort of blood pressure related issue. Maybe I was going to pass out.

Then I realized I felt fine (or as fine as one can feel while doing push-ups) and I recognized these spots. I had seen them somewhere before.

The last time I saw them was eight months ago at the onset of my last migraine.

I am such an idiot. I know better than to taunt the migraine gods by saying I hadn't had one in a long time. It is like saying the name of the bad thing that happens to ladies when they take antibiotics out loud.

I am not going to say it. I'm not even going to type it. In fact, I am going to try really hard not to even think about it, but the simple fact is that if I say those two little words I get one.

Every. Single. Time.

Whatever. I took some of my miracle cure medicine (It was legal. My doctor prescribed it.) and so far so good. I only have a very minor throb going.

And honestly, even though I wanted to quit when I started seeing spots, I think the exercise helped.

* Riverdance is what Devra and I call the exercise where you have to jump up and down and touch your toes (left then right then left etc.) to the center of the ball over and over. It is really reminiscent of Irish folk dancing.)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Working from home has special challenges when it comes to PHC (Pie Hole Control)

I have a home office, it is painted blue which is supposed to be an appetite suppressing color. I chose the color on purpose to help me have an environment which would support my goal of losing weight and being healthier. Now I need to figure out how to control my access to the refrigerator. There it is. In our kitchen. Filled with food. Yes I have healthy stuff in there, but even too much of a good thing isn't so good. Particularly where my fat ass is concerned. But what might help me with this challenge?

My first plan was to wear this around the house. What I like about it is it's inexpensive, and a neutral color. But my friend Laurel pointed out that I could easily put a straw thru the hole and go to town on milkshakes, Frosties and/or melted Blizzards. Dammit. Next!

Second idea was to don one of these.
A big plus is it comes with a lock and since it is black, it would transition easily from summer to fall, to winter to spring. It could also has a key ring. I don't know abotu you, but I am constantly losing my keys in the house. However, there are some very serious drawbacks. Mainly it would be difficult to participate in conference calls and would give me the worst case of hat hair ever. Next!

I considered this helmet. Pros include a little more formal than the leather mask and greater air flow. Cons are it wouldn't go with gold jewelry and I would have to use a speaker phone all the time as it lacks ear holes. So, not the best choice either. Next!

Finally I remembered a fencing class I took many years ago...

People, I think we may have a winner!
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