Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's Not The Food, Its The Sofa

I tell you it is a magnet. The pull on this sofa is amazing. Once my ass connects with it, well I'm a goner. Sure I sit and consider how I could exercise instead of sit. But somehow the magnetic field of the sofa interferes with the synapse of my brain and the connection between getting off of the sofa and onto the elliptical just doesn't occur. I think I may have redefined "vegetative state" as the act of eating carrot sticks while on a sofa. If anyone needs an intervention, it might be me. Why don't we go through the possible signs and we can see?

DSM-IV Sofa Abuse Criteria
Sofa dependence is defined as a maladaptive pattern of sofa use leading to clinically significant
impairment or distress as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. Recurrent sofa use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (such as repeated absences or poor work performance related to sofa use; sofa-related absences,suspensions, or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).

Technically I use the sofa daily. There are long stretches in the day when I am not using it and don't even think about using it. I have never tried to sneak the sofa into a meeting, or take it to my children's school. I admit home use is more of a challenge due to the sofa always being in the house. "MAYBE."

2. Recurrent sofa use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (such as driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by sofa use)

Our sofa is large and its shape precludes it from fitting inside our mini-van. The coffeemaker is in the kitchen and I have made no attempts to bring it into the living room to operate on the sofa. I think I am safe at answering this one "NO."

3. Recurrent sofa-related legal problems (such as arrests for sofa related disorderly conduct)

To the best of my knowledge it's not illegal to fall asleep on the sofa two nights in a row. No one has ever served me a subpoena whilst I have been sitting on the sofa. Resounding"NO."

4. Continued sofa use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the sofa (for example, arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication and physical fights).

While it shames me to admit this, I have at times DVR'd over other people's selected programs. This has caused some discord in our family when, for example, the recording of Ghost Hunters has been cancelled in favor of Spit Ends. While we haven't had any knock-down-drag-outs about it (Hello? That might mean I would have to get off the sofa.) Words have been exchanged and they aren't ones oft shared in polite society. "YES."

Hello, my name is Devra, and I am a sofaholic.

Which leads me to ask, "What up with that?" and why can't I be stronger than my sofa? What stops me from watching The People's Court, Judge Judy and everything ever aired on BravoTV,while on the elliptical? I can! Why won't I? I know I should. I think about it constantly.
Let me assure you, in case you have been somehow misled, rumination does not count as cardio. Even I am not in denial about that.

I can't just throw the sofa out. Nor can my family hide it from me. I suppose I could avoid the living room, but eventually we will have other people over and they should be able to use the sofa while guests in our home. I may be rationalizing that.

12 Step Program? I need something more like a 10,000 step program.

Now I just need to find myself a sponsor.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Some Things Taste as Good as Skinny Feels

This post was originally written for and posted on Sarah and the Goon Squad.

* * *

Recently Kate Moss told interviewer Brid Costello that one of her mottoes is "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.kate_moss_gallery_25

My first reaction was to recite that to myself 800 times a day and see if it worked. I've been having a lot of trouble getting motivated to lose weight in the last couple of years. I thought maybe this would help.

Instead, it just made me realize how wrong she was. Here is a short list of reasons why Kate Moss is wrong.

  • beer

  • Doritos

  • Pringles sour cream and onion chips

  • bacon

  • bagels

  • a bloody mary

  • macaroni and cheese

  • foie gras

  • french fries

  • Anything from Five Guys

  • brownies

  • fresh strawberries

  • cheese steak

  • fried rice

  • burritos

  • beef stroganoff

  • wine

  • pizza

  • fried chicken

See? Those are just off the top of my head. I didn't even put any real thought in to that list. Just think if I had more time to expand!

Then I read this.
“Kate Moss’s comments are likely to cause many more. If you read any of the pro-anorexia websites, they go crazy for quotes like this.”

The slogan is adopted on various websites, including one called Starving For Control.

Green, 22, who is a size 12, added: “Millions of girls aspire to be like Kate Moss. These comments are shocking and irresponsible.”

Wait a second. Pro-Anorexia websites? There are multiple websites that support a disease?Kate Moss_BLK

What is this world coming to? Are there pro-polio websites? Are people hoping to successfully become alcoholics? Do we need websites to help us get sick?

Getting back to Kate's motto, maybe I'm not the best judge of what being skinny feels like. The last time I was truly "skinny" I was recovering from mono, so to me skinny feels like a really bad sore throat and dying. I'm sure it feels different to her. Maybe to her it feels like millions of dollars.

I have no personal reference to how millions of dollars feels, but I bet it is pretty awesome.

It just seems to me like in this day and age (the day and age where I just became my grandmother by using that phrase) where even France has banned runway models that are too skinny and young girls are dying every day from anorexia we could try to promote more healthy concepts than "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".

And in that top picture at least, skinny actually looks sort of painful.

I am trying to raise a daughter over here. I would love it if she can be spared the weight issues and self-esteem bullshit I have been dealing with since I was 12.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Kris wrote an amazing post about joining Weight Watchers on her site, Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino.

I love Kris for many reasons not the least of which is that she is an amazing writer.

And if you are reading this blog I am guessing you can relate to this post the way that I can.

She called it Weighing Matters and you should read it.

Kris and I at BlogHer '07 in Chicago. I can't speak for her, but I was easily 20 pounds lighter here.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


You will never guess what I did.

I signed up for Tae Kwon Do.

Well, I was tricked into signing up for Tae Kwon Do.

Let me back up a little bit.

My five year old son has been dying to take Tae Kwon Do ever since he found out that his best friend at preschool was taking it. I finally got around to signing him up for it a couple of weeks ago.

There was a special where you got your first four lessons and a do-bok (that is how you say little white outfit in Korean) for $79. It isn't cheap, but he was all about it and my husband and I both thought he would get a lot out of it especially in the area of body control.

You know how little boys are always running in to things.

After two lessons (which he adored) his twin sister decided that she might like it too. So I signed her up.

Last Tuesday I took them in for his fourth lesson and her second lesson. Before the class even started I was whisked in to the office where the Master sat - not one of the underling masters but The Master, the main man, the guy that owns the joint.

It was time for the hard sell.

I don't have the exact figures but signing the two of them up for a year came to somewhere around one million dollars.

Okay, it was significantly less than one million but also significantly more than I had in my bank account. In fact, thinking about it makes me want to vomit, but I know it was the right thing to do. Both children love it, it is marvelous exercise and a lot of their friends from school are in there.

Then The Master says to me "What about you?"

I am thinking: There is no fucking way. There are like four other adults here in the kids classes and they all look like gigantic tool bags. The last thing I need to do is spend another $800 to look like an asshole.

My subconscious has a filthy mouth.

I am saying "No. I really can't afford it."

Then The Master drop the bomb. "I will give you one year for free if you take the class with the children. It helps them learn at home and stay involved."

Oh Shit. I think. How can I turn down a year of free Tae Kwon Do? This would actually give me something to write about on Loser Moms.

The Master said that he would give me the free year, but I actually had to show up. If I didn't actually take the classes he was going to charge me.

So I said yes.

But I was scared.

Really. I didn't want to do it. My kids were through the roof excited, but I was very apprehensive.

I didn't want to look like an idiot.

What if I sucked at it?

What if it was hard?

What if all of the five year old were better than me?

But I had committed to this.

So yesterday I had my first lesson. It was awkward. I had no idea what the lady was saying. Some other parents I knew were there watching their children. But when we broke up in to groups I knew everybody in my group. It was me, Ian (5), Claudia (5), Paige (5) and Emma (6).

I think I probably did look like a tool, but it was kind of fun.

And I wasn't too bad at it.

And Emma's mom was really nice about it. She gave me a thumbs up and everything.

So yeah.

Goon Squad Sarah do-bok

My name is Sarah and I am a white belt in Tae Kwon Do.


Cross-Posted on Sarah and the Goon Squad

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

What is Up With My Neighbors?

If you follow my personal blog at all you may have noticed that I have an interesting neighborhood. My old next door neighbor has been spotted mowing the lawn in a skirt and at other times she was in the yard with no pants on at all. There is also a lady in my neighborhood who walks around carrying a bird in a cage.

This year a whole bunch of new people moved in with little kids and I am thrilled. They are all so nice! But there is a problem.

They keep bringing me cookies.

Home made cookies.

Delicious cookies.

This is SO NICE. I appreciate that a million times more than the one that used to come over and tell me that I needed to trim the tree in my side yard or homeless people would come live under it.

The problem is that I keep eating the cookies.

I have been working on this. I have been on my elliptical at least three times a week. I have been walking with another neighbor. I have been drinking less and eating healthier.

You know, except for all of these cookies.

I love you my neighbors and I think it is very sweet of you to bring me cookies.

But if you really loved me you would bring me some Fen-Phen and a picture of me in a bathing suit because those are two things that I KNOW will help me lose weight.
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