Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wii Have a Wiinner

Wii finally got around to picking a wiinner.

* Not sponsored by Doritos. We needed a bag. Fortunately Unfortunately there were still some chips left and we were forced to handle the situation as we saw fit.

We'll diet next year. Wii hope you will join us.

Happy New Year to all of you other losers out there in Loser Mom Land!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Suspense is Killing Us

I just wanted to let you all know we did not forget about our contest. The holidays seem to have gotten in the way of Devra and I actually getting together to pick a winner.

We will be picking the winning of our Wii Fit tomorrow morning if all goes well.

We may even get some video if we're lucky.

And organized.

Good luck to everyone who entered!

- Sarah

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Wii Want To Know What Inspires You To Exercise Contest

Look, regardless of whether or not any of us are observing a holiday, the foods are out there and on the table. Pie Hole Control will be challenged daily, if not hourly or by the minute. At work, at home. Even in your own head as we think "What about just one cookie? I can get on the treadmill tonight and do extra minutes."

Only those extra minutes become added to the 24 hours that are already spoken for by other things we're doing. And since no one has figured out how to create a 25th hour, those extra minutes for exercise? Non existent. Total fantasy.

So, we want to know how you get inspired to work out. How do you keep the love alive for exercise and not get bored out of your freakin' mind? Is it music? A special routine? A mantra? Something you read? Heard? Saw that scared the ever-livin' crap out of you? What?? We want to know! (And we bet others will benefit too!)

This is a contest, the Grand Prize is a brand new in the box Wii Fit.

Please make sure to leave us your email address in addition to your inspirational comment. All entries will be put into a Giant Plastic Measuring cup my son used to wear on his head as a hat and we will draw a winner at random. Contest ends December 22nd at 6PM EST.

Inspire us! NOW!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Need dose of reality? Roll the tape! (and a little something about a contest)

I can sit and deny it as much as I like, but there is nothing, but nothing that will bring reality right into my face like seeing myself on film. I understand the camera adds pounds, but not 75 of them. More like 10. So when I recently watched myself on the PBS Youtube channel:

I sound fine and Kristen makes for a fabulous interviewer, but was horrified by my appearance. Not because I'm vain, this is a health issue. There is no way I can continue to be this heavy. I am risking a stroke ya'll.

Time to take action. And I don't mean breaking into my dentist's office, holding the spit sucker to his neck and demanding he wire my jaws shut for the holiday season. I'd probably get arrested. And if I were to be arrested? We all know Jenny Craig isn't a jail house caterer. Besides, I've seen many episodes of Dateline on ID as well as 48 Hours on We . People who go to jail gain weight. I know they have AA meetings in prison, but Weight Watcher's? I doubt it. Nope, I needed to get me some conviction, but not of a felonious sort. So I made like a Nike ad, and Just Did It.

Today I used the Wii Fit to jog for 10 minutes. It's a beginning...

Next week wii'll bii having a contest and give-away. Sii you here next wiik!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Trigger Foods

Trigger foods, we all have them.

You know, the food that you eat some of and then you can't stop eating? They trigger a binge.

Potato chips are the perfect example. Lays has a whole ad campaign based on this concept.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the foods on Weight Watchers core program are foods that don't cause binging. I think that is why they are considered safe.

I do actually have a point here.

Cereal is a trigger food for me. I'm not sure why. And it seems like it can be any kind of cereal. Count Chocula (my favorite), Cheerios, Corn Flakes - it doesn't matter. I can just eat a small serving of cereal because I am not hungry and I know I need to eat breakfast and then I am famished. I want three more bowls.

Cereal is my perfect appetizer.

Does this happen to anyone else? Can anyone explain this?

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Line

I don't know about you, but I have a very distinct line where I am comfortable with my body.

I'm sure it is different for everybody. It depends on how tall you are and what type of bone structure you have. My line is 180.

My weight tends to fluctuate drastically. I am one of those people who will lose a bunch of weight and then gain a bunch of weight and then lost it again and so forth. Because of this, I know my lines.

I am 5' 9". (Assuming I stand up straight, which I never ever do.)

My body used to tend to regulate itself around 160 pounds. If I were between 140 and 160 I felt pretty good. Anything under 140 and I start to look sickly. Maybe now that I am in my late thirties my middle is closer to 165, so lets say between 145 and 165 I look good.

Anything above 166 I look "heavy". Not fat, just heavy. Like I could stand to lose a few pounds.

When I cross over to 180 I look different. I look fat. My face changes shape and I am uncomfortable all of the time.

I have been uncomfortable for a couple of weeks now but I was afraid to get on the scale.

I knew exactly what it was going to say.


We've been traveling. One of the things about long car trips with two picky four year olds is that I end up eating garbage like McDonalds.

I think anybody that is reading this blog knows what that means.

In a hotel room in Florence, South Carolina I caught a glimpse of myself from the side.

It didn't even look like me. I am almost as wide from front to back as I am from side to side. I have a beer belly!

Who am I trying to kid? I have a beer everything.

So I have spent the last couple of days beating myself up mentally. I've been calling myself horrible names in my mind. I've been exercising slightly more moderation but I am on vacation and it is Thanksgiving.

And the fat doesn't come off that fast.

I finally hauled my fat ass up on my Mom's scale this morning. 184.* I haven't weighed that much since just after my twins were born.

It is no secret I love beer. It is no secret that beer has a shitload of empty calories. Something has got to give and since nobody will give me any Fen-Phen it is going to have to be the beer.

Now, I'm not going to go crazy. When I go crazy I can't keep any weight off and depriving ones self during the holidays just leads to binging in January. (For me anyway, I know. I've done it before. Twice.) What I am going to do is take it easier. I am going to pay attention.

And when I get home, some things are going to change.

They have to. I can't live hating myself like this.

* Remember, these numbers mean different things to everybody. You could be smokin' hot at 215. You could be round and flabby at 126, I have no idea. Do not apply my fat numbers to yourself.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Can't Even Win at Losing

I'll be honest. I have not actually stepped on a scale in weeks.

I'm too scared.

I overextended myself. I said yet to too many things. I was freaking out.

The first thing that went was the gym.

It wasn't even that I didn't enjoy it. It was the commute in the DC traffic that was getting to me. I would stress out days in advance about making it to the gym on time. I was worried if I had the $4 cash it required to park. I was nervous that I couldn't make it back quick enough to pick my kids up from school on time.

A one hour work out became a three hour commitment in DC traffic. Twice a week. I just couldn't do it.

So I let it go for my mental health.

And I stopped exercising all together.

It is bad. My fat jeans are getting tighter. I have Sensa sitting here that I haven't even opened. My poor elliptical machine hasn't been touched in months.

And now... the Holidays.

Help me fellow Loser Moms. Help me get back on track.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Operation Pie Hole Control

I'm not sure how the stars aligned in order to have Halloween on a Friday, followed by a long weekend where the kids don't' have school on Monday OR Tuesday but they did and it has been quite a challenge for me. In an effort to maximize my PHC (Pie Hole Control)I have locked the candy in my car during the day. Since I work from home, I just couldn't control myself enough to have the candy in the house. I tried, believe me. I just know myself too well. In years past I have hidden the candy from myself, I have had others hide it too. Doesn't work. Seriously, I'm like a Bloodhound, only I'm picking up on the scent of an Almond Joy and following it.

I've tried putting the candy in the freezer, like someone suggested to Sarah on her earlier post. It didn't work for me. People like me, just gnaw at a Baby Ruth until it breaks off and it becomes edible. I've tried putting the candy in inconvenient locations that require a tall ladder, but like a shark in a feeding frenzy, I can't swim off and ignore the Snicker Bar chum in my habitat. Pathetic, I know.

So today the candy is locked in my car. I've not yet gone to the garage to dig it out, so maybe this will work. If it doesn't work, then the other option is to put it in The Huz's car and have him park it at the Pentagon. At least if it were there I would not only have to drive 30 minutes to get it, I would have to get through security. Now that I think of it, if he does wind up having to take the candy in his car, I should surrender my ID card to him as well.

I wonder if I could ask The Huz to bring home a couple of Security Police to man our fridge at home. I bet that would deter me a lot.

FYI: The zombie in the picture belongs to me. He's my youngest son. I put the screw in his head myself! : )

Monday, November 3, 2008

This Leftover Halloween Candy Isn't Helping Anything


I was expecting a huge trick or treating turnout this year. That didn't happen. I have a lot of Halloween candy let. A LOT.

Well, less than I had yesterday, but still a good deal.
I know the right answer is to just throw it away, but it seems so wasteful.

I need some ideas so I don't just graze on candy all day.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Is it wrong....

That I regularly fantasize about a three way with Ben &Jerry?

Not the men. Who cares about those two.

I'm picturing myself with a pint of Phish Food.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Dangerous Combination

I have four bags of Halloween candy and PMS.

This does not bode well for my diet.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Just a Sprinkle A Day, Actually with Everything we eat for the next 6 months.

Sarah and I lack Pie Hole Control. We've admitted it on our blog we've also discussed it many times between the two of us. So we are using Sensa for the next 6 months in addition to exercising regularly. The Sensa system is supposed to make a person feel fuller so they don't eat as much. Basically it's a white powder you sprinkle on everything you eat which is divided into two compartments in a shaker; one side used for Salty foods and the other side used for Sweet foods. It's not used in liquids. The literature says we don't have to change what we eat, no counting calories. Right now we're not sure if it will work or not, but we'll be posting about our experience on this Tinkerbell Pixie Dust Diet for all of you to read. And if it works? We'll clap our hands and tell you, "We believe!"

if mannequins were women they would be too thin to bear children.

Because if mannequins were women they would be too thin to bear children.

Think about how upsetting that truly is. Think about the ideals we set for ourselves as a culture. Then think about what your goals truly are.

Sure, no matter what I could stand to lose a few pounds for my health, but for now I think I'll be focusing on the health part of that equation.

[I found this video on 5 Resolutions]

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Tuesday's child is full of grace. I call "BULLSHIT!"

Equilibrium is not my friend. If there were a way I could give up being a biped and walk on all fours, I'd pounce all over it. With all fours. Seriously. I would. Maybe you think I am exaggerating, but I'm not. The first time I read, "Tuesday's child is full of grace." on a paper place mat at a diner in New Jersey, I thought,"No way in hell am I full of grace", knocked over a glass of water which spilled everywhere.

Yeah, I'm a class act.

Think I might be exaggerating again? Oh, don't I wish! You should have been with me on a recent business trip. I was staying at a wonderful hotel, but after my two night stay there I was bruised all over my legs. Why? I kept running into my own damn bed. I must have run into that thing at least 10 times. Pathetic isn't it? It's a bed, it's a fairly large bed at that and yet I just couldn't seem to stop some sort of relentless masochistic ritual of hitting myself with it when walking around my hotel room.

So this brings us to the other day when I was working out with Vionna. Vionna knows all about my lack of coordination. I have explained to her how I was a Flag Twirler in highschool and never got the routines right. It was so bad my own mother chose to believe I was a soloist. See, when you work out with a trainer, you need to be willing to disclose some very personal and private information about yourself (and then post it on the Internet for all to see).

Vionna and Sarah have seen me fall off the Bosu -which I sometimes refer to as the Bonsai, but most often call it Erykah- regularly. But even so, I fall off the ball and get right back up again. This is dedication my friends.

This next part I may have the sequence wrong, but the end result is the same, I bruised myself. First when Vionna left me outside while she went inside to get something, she wasn't expecting to turn around and see me fall over in slowMo after trying to balance on one leg and to reach down to touch a small orange safety cone. The idea was supposed to be me moving my body in one giant motion, much like one of these only on one leg and not putting the other foot down in between dips. I did it like that for about 3 times, but then all hell broke loose. I put my foot down once. I know, total cheat. Then by the 9th time I was out of control. I dipped down and then I tilted. I tilted a lot. I tilted so much I fell right over. Vionna suggested I stop doing the balance bobbing thing. I didn't feel like fighting her so I agreed.

Next we went on to an exercise where I was laying on my back on a mat. I raised both of my legs to form the letter L. I had a 5 pound dumbell in my hand and the idea was to lift my arm with the dumbell, and bring it kitty corner to my opposite leg. This was supposed to help my Obliques I think. I did it once and hit my shin with the dumbell. I tried again, I hit myself again. Vionna asked, "Are your eyes open?" I answered, "Of course they are. Why? Do your other clients do this exercise with their eyes closed?" Then I switch hands and try the other leg and hit myself with the dumbell some more. Maybe my shins are magnetic.

Oh, yesterday? Sarah already described the crazy ball exercise. Vionna ended up telling me to stop using the ball because I hit myself in the face with it.

I wonder if any famous people look as stupid as I do when I work out and if so, were they born on a Tuesday.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Karmic Payback at the Gym

Just the other day I was telling my friends Lori and Matt that I hadn't had a migraine in about eight months.

If you are laughing then you understand how freaking stupid it was of me to say something like that out loud.

I went to my workout today for the first time in about three weeks. Shameful, I know, but I have been insanely busy with the beginning of preschool. (Don't even ask me why I volunteered to be on the board. I must have been temporarily insane.)

Vionna had Devra and I doing our rounds (rows, riverdance*, push-ups, some evil abs exercise involving a giant ball, and a squad thing with weights - damn. I'm articulate. I should be a writer or something.) and I started seeing spots.

I have to admit, the first thing that occurred to me was that I was so out of shape (I haven't even thought about exercising in two weeks. Well, no I've thought about it, I just haven't done it.) I was having some sort of blood pressure related issue. Maybe I was going to pass out.

Then I realized I felt fine (or as fine as one can feel while doing push-ups) and I recognized these spots. I had seen them somewhere before.

The last time I saw them was eight months ago at the onset of my last migraine.

I am such an idiot. I know better than to taunt the migraine gods by saying I hadn't had one in a long time. It is like saying the name of the bad thing that happens to ladies when they take antibiotics out loud.

I am not going to say it. I'm not even going to type it. In fact, I am going to try really hard not to even think about it, but the simple fact is that if I say those two little words I get one.

Every. Single. Time.

Whatever. I took some of my miracle cure medicine (It was legal. My doctor prescribed it.) and so far so good. I only have a very minor throb going.

And honestly, even though I wanted to quit when I started seeing spots, I think the exercise helped.

* Riverdance is what Devra and I call the exercise where you have to jump up and down and touch your toes (left then right then left etc.) to the center of the ball over and over. It is really reminiscent of Irish folk dancing.)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Working from home has special challenges when it comes to PHC (Pie Hole Control)

I have a home office, it is painted blue which is supposed to be an appetite suppressing color. I chose the color on purpose to help me have an environment which would support my goal of losing weight and being healthier. Now I need to figure out how to control my access to the refrigerator. There it is. In our kitchen. Filled with food. Yes I have healthy stuff in there, but even too much of a good thing isn't so good. Particularly where my fat ass is concerned. But what might help me with this challenge?

My first plan was to wear this around the house. What I like about it is it's inexpensive, and a neutral color. But my friend Laurel pointed out that I could easily put a straw thru the hole and go to town on milkshakes, Frosties and/or melted Blizzards. Dammit. Next!

Second idea was to don one of these.
A big plus is it comes with a lock and since it is black, it would transition easily from summer to fall, to winter to spring. It could also has a key ring. I don't know abotu you, but I am constantly losing my keys in the house. However, there are some very serious drawbacks. Mainly it would be difficult to participate in conference calls and would give me the worst case of hat hair ever. Next!

I considered this helmet. Pros include a little more formal than the leather mask and greater air flow. Cons are it wouldn't go with gold jewelry and I would have to use a speaker phone all the time as it lacks ear holes. So, not the best choice either. Next!

Finally I remembered a fencing class I took many years ago...

People, I think we may have a winner!

Friday, August 29, 2008

This is what I ate today.

I am following Vionna's instructions and writing down what I ate today. Let me warn you right now, it's not pretty. It may disgust you. You may want to turn back now and read no further. But I have made the commitment to write it all down. You on the other hand, have made no commitment that you must have to read it. But if you are so inclined, or you are some sort of masochist, then who am I to tell you to stop reading? But consider yourself warned.

I woke up and had two cups of coffee. We ran out of skim milk while I was out of town and neither my husband nor my mother purchased any. I was forced, forced I tell you, to use the Whole Milk which I had purchased for a recipe I decided I should no longer make because it's not low calorie/low fat. Of course, did I get rid of the sinful milk? Of course not. Two tablespoons of it are in my coffee with about 4 packets of Splenda. (If you are a a coffee purist, yes, I I know. I did offend you. Sorry!)

Now is the time I mention that I hate breakfast about as much as I hate math. So I skipped it. Go ahead, let the flogging commence.

After my kids ate breakfast, because I have successfully brainwashed them to believe they need it, my younger son and I went to the grocery store. I purchased grapes, blueberries and kiwi. I would love to report that these are what I ate when I returned home. But no. One of the kids had opened the box of recently purchased rice crispy treats and I ate one. I do acknowledge that I did not eat more than one. I. Just. Ate. One. And then I had to try the new Pringles Honey Butter flavored stix things which sounded like they would taste good. Unfortunately it took me the entire 90 calorie pack to decide they sucked and I don't like them. But if you have a hankering for the taste of movie popcorn fake butter in a stick form, you may love these things.

Then lunch rolled around. I ate two skinny cow ice cream cones whilst hearing Grover in my head asking, "Why you not eat some low sodium tuna?" To which I can only answer, "I dunno."

I drank several glasses of decaf iced tea. At the store I did not purchase any soda of any kind. I am committed to drinking water and decaf tea. Well, at least after I have my morning coffee. I cannot give up the morning coffee otherwise I'd hallucinate. I know I would. Don't try to tell me it wouldn't happen. I know it would. When i was in high school my mother tried to give up coffee. One morning I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. My mother looked at me and earnestly inquired, "So, Devra, where are you going to be today?" Um. School. Like I have been almost every morning for the past 12 years of my life. If someone I am related to gives up caffeine and loses touch with reality, I know I will too.

Dinner was Shrimp scampi, but a low fat version made with olive oil. lemon juice and very little butter. I measured out the pasta into a one cup container. I ate 5 shrimp. I loaded the plate with fresh mushrooms, onion and garlic. I'd say dinner was a success. I drank more decaf iced tea.

For dessert I had another skinny cow ice cream cone.

Now do me a favor? Someone count up my calories because you know I hate math.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Why it Only Cost $7.99

Last week Vionna pointed out that if we just worked out twice a week and didn't change any of our other habit we would probably never meet our goals.

She had a really good point.

My body is definitely in better shape since we started working out with Vionna, but I have only lost about three pounds and I know why. It is because I still eat crappy food and drink too much beer.

Vionna says that we have to do cardio six days a week (I'm trying, but I think I've over committed myself lately) and write down everything we eat.

We are also supposed to start wearing pedometers and keep track of all of our steps in a day.

No problem, right? I've done this before. I was on the 10,000 step plan for a while. It is a fantastic idea. My issue with this - and it is absolutely MY issue - is that I keep losing/breaking my pedometers. I probably have about 5 pedometers in this house somewhere.


Since the only one I could find had a dead battery I just picked one up at the grocery store on Sunday. It was only $7.99. A bargain!

You get what you pay for my friends.

The bastard keeps resetting itself. I have been wearing this pedometer constantly for three days now and I have yet to get a reasonable step count. This is beginning to vex me. It is 11:35 and it has already reset my count twice today.


Lesson learned: Don't buy the $7.99 pedometer at the grocery store. Spend the extra $13 and get a good one.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Maverick, it's me. Goose. Help!

Dear Sarah,

Supposedly you are in New Mexico at a wedding and this is your reason for not being at our workout on Thursday. While you were undoubtedly dancing your ass off and counting it as cardio, I was draped over an exercise ball on the rooftop of City Fitness doing lower back extensions. Given my issues with equilibrium, you know it wasn't very pretty. Or balanced.

I think we must make a pact, sealed in perspiration, that we will always go as a pair to see Vionna. No more leaving the wing(wo)man. It's too painful! Whoever coined the term "Safety in numbers" must have shared a personal trainer.

When it was my turn to be with Vionna alone, she made me work my glutes. That's right, she literally made me work my ass off. I just wish I could have worked it off and then left it with Vionna. Not just because it would be one way of reducing my ass quickly, but (heh heh, I said but) because the next day, my tush hurt. My glutes were killing me! Not to mention I had a sensation for the next two days of walking around attached to a Thighmaster.

I can hardly wait for you to get back so we can do more of this:

See you on Tuesday!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Pain

Dear Devra,

I realize the reason you missed our workout yesterday is because you had home remodeling trauma. I recognize the fact that you were NOT having fun. But know this.

I envy you.

The workout was great. I got there early. I went on the treadmill for about 30 minutes. I even tweeted from there. I had Vionna all to myself. It was good. Until the end.

Near the end of our workout Vionna asked me to do these bicep exercises where I leaned up against the wall like I was sitting in a chair and lifting these fairly innocuous weights.

Lifting the weights wasn't a problem. My legs wouldn't support me any more.

Eventually we stretched and it was time to go home.

Then I almost fell down the stairs trying to leave.

I was wobbly all day.

Then this morning - oh sweet Jesus. The pain.

I tried to go downstairs to check the laundry. I almost cried. My thighs are killing me

Ian lost one of his Transformers this morning. I could not bend down to help him.

I didn't have eggs for breakfast because the thought of squatting down to get those eggs out of my refrigerator was too much to bear.

In short. I am dying.

You are so lucky you weren't there yesterday. I guess this is what we get for blowing off exercising during our pain.

Oh, and I'll see you tomorrow at the gym!



ps - while I'm not losing much weight my body is really starting to look different. And in a good way.

Monday, July 7, 2008


You will never guess what we are doing next week.

Click on the picture to read more about it.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Christina from A Mommy Story is a Loser Too

Check us out! Another guest post. Please give a warm round of applause to Christina from A Mommy Story:

I'm A Loser, But Not Losing

Some may know that I've been on a Hot by BlogHer quest for a few months now. How's it going? Well, uh... it's stalled. I've made some changes to my eating habits - less junk, more whole grains, fruits, vegetables, etc. - although emotional eating is still a downfall for me. However, that isn't the real problem. What I'm lacking in is exercise.

I've lost about 10 pounds, but I've been stuck at the same weight for a few weeks now. I'm sure the problem is that I'm eating better, but doing nothing to rev up my metabolism and convince my body to let go of a few pounds. We had a gym membership for the last year. Know how often we went? Never. I know - insane, right? I only wish I could have that money back.

My biggest excuse for not exercising is my children. I fully accept it's an excuse. Trying to find someone to watch them or packing them up and taking them to the gym's babysitting seemed like too much of a hassle. So I decided it was time to take away my excuse.

No, I didn't get rid of my children. (Good guess, though!)

Meet my new friend:

We acquired this elliptical machine from a used sporting good store before Aaron was laid off. Actually, it was our birthday gift from my mom, so we didn't pay anything for it. And yes, the gate must remain around it at all times, because our daughters do not share my aversion to exercise, and will try to kill themselves on it if I let them.

I can't escape exercise now. It sits in the corner staring at me as I eat, a reminder of what I should be doing. When I eat ice cream, I can't look up without feeling guilty. If the kids are awake, I can fire up the Tivo for them and get at least a half hour in. That is, if I could do an entire half hour on it. I didn't realize just how out of shape I was until I worked out for the first time.

I lasted 5 minutes.

This machine has several programs, but I like the steps program. You can set a goal of 500 steps, 1000 steps, or any other increment of 500. I started with 500. After two weeks (only twice a week at this point) I'm now up to 1500 steps, which I think is a great improvement. My goal is to eventually get to 10,000 steps.

I've got less than a month until BlogHer, so it's time to put my Hot by BlogHer plan into overdrive and make these last days count. I'd like to at least break through this plateau and lose a couple more pounds before the big event, and I think my new elliptical machine may be that kickstart I needed.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Angry at vegetables. Why?

In the previous post Sarah was looking for recipe ideas and Susan jumped right in and had some suggestions. And as I was reading her response I felt my shoulders tense. A wave of annoyance washed over me. Not because Susan said anything wrong. She didn't. I do not have it in for Susan. Quite the opposite, Susan and her husband are kindred spirits.

Steamed vegetables. I hate them. But here is the weird thing. I don't hate preparing them,I don't hate eating them. I just hate THEM. Utterly irrational.

Steamed vegetables are supposed to be a staple when anyone is trying to drop some lb's. An aside from now on I am going to call them El Bees. I just made that decision. For some reason I cannot explain, steamed vegetables annoy me. I have a similar response to unloading the dishwasher. It just pisses me off and I don't really have a legitimate reason.

I probably need to do some rage work to get beyond my negativity.

Mashed potatoes sound so much more therapeutic.

Friday, June 20, 2008

ISO: Good Recipes

So I'm having this problem.

I know I have mentioned this before, but while I am doing really well with the whole exercise thing I am having issues with food.

I have two recipes that I like from back in my weight watchers days. One is for turnkey burritos and the other is that vegetable soup.

Now I am at a loss.

See, it isn't just me here. I have a husband and a roommate that I need to feed to. I can't make them eat salads and yogurt every single night.

Do you have any great healthy and tasty recipes? If so, please hook a lady up.


Vionna worked us out especially hard yesterday.

It hurts to walk up my stairs.

I guess that means I can't do any laundry today.



Thursday, June 19, 2008

I'm on my weigh!

Every Tuesday and Thursday, I meet Sarah at her house and we drive into The DC together to meet with Vionna. This morning in the car I was bastardizing Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers' "The Waiting" by changing the words in my head to "The Weigh-In is the hardest part...." I tend to do that a lot. I make up my own words to songs. I've done it as long as I can remember. Even before this guy became famous.

This isn't the same as mishearing lyrics, which my friend Huh?used to do when we were in high school. We nicknamed her "Huh?" because sometimes she just didn't seem to get it despite being a really bright girl. Maybe you recognize these Huh? classics; "I Want to Kiss Your Aunt Lola" and "Reverend Eugene". No, I just change the words around so I can make the song fit into whatever I happen to be doing that day.

Today we weighed in.

I am down 4 1/4 pounds.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Emo Eater Thy Name is Devra

I wish it were simple and I could say "Oh, when I am stressed, I eat." Then I could work on better stress management techniques and be done with it. But it's not stress that tempts me to put ear straps on a bag of Oreos and attach it to my face like a feed bag. Nope. I eat when I am happy. Not surprisingly, I am finding this to be counterproductive to weight loss.

What did I do in my happiness today? I ate three Skinny Cow mint ice cream cones. Granted this is far better than what I used to do which was gleefully engage in a three-way with Ben & Jerry.

It is doubtful that I am alone in stomping my feet and yelling "No fair!"because I know people out there who aren't driven to stuff their pie hole based upon emotions. I want to know how you people stop at just one Oreo????? HOW! TELL ME! I WANT TO BE YOU!

Now that my tantrum is over, I'm going to sit back, relax and have a big drink.
Water people. I am drinking water!
In the future I will include a post on "Leaving the house and the importance of mapping out bathrooms locations when you actually drink the recommended daily allowance of water."

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Turning a Corner

On Thursday I reluctantly went to our workout.

I was feeling like crap. I had a headache and I was all crampy. (TMI? Sorry about that.) I was even slightly nauseous.

This is the reason working out with a partner works so well. If it has just been me I probably would have called in sick, but Devra was coming to pick me up so I went anyway, cramps and all.

We got stuck in traffic. That tends to happen when you try to go anywhere in DC so we showed up 20 minutes late to a 60 minutes session.

We jumped on the treadmill for 5 minutes (we do this to get our heart rates up) and then we started working on circuits: crunches, slams, rows, pushups, riverdance, and squats. (I'll explain riverdance and slams as soon as I get the pictures from Vionna.)Then we stretched and Devra and I went back on the tradmill for 20 more minutes.

I have to say, a while back 20 minutes (at 4.0 speed) on the treadmill would have killed me but you knopw what? I felt great. My cramps were gone, my headache was gone and I was in a much better mood.

This must be what everyone keeps talking about. In the past when people said they didn't feel right if they didn't go on their five mile run that day I thought they were smoking crack or something. But no, I was energized.

I think I am becoming a new person.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Take it From Me

Just because you are working out every day doesn't mean you can eat like a pig a still lose weight.

Take it from me.

Our daily Thursday weigh in will take place in approximately 90 minutes and I am pretty sure I have actually gained a pound even though I think I lost 8 pounds in water weight alone sweating my ass off at the Race for the Cure this weekend.

If I want to be down 10 pounds by BlogHer I am going to have to step up the dieting. I'm just bad at moderation.

Any advice?

(Who has the Fen-Phen?)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I Might Like You Better if We Sweat Together...

especially if we Sweat For The Cure. I'm not talking about getting all hot and bothered about this guy. I'm referring to Sarah and I walking in the Komen National Race For The Cure.
You know what was hot? The weather. But could Sarah and I even whine the least little bit? No. Why? Because this muthah was the DC Metro Moms Blogger's team captain and she is 8 months pregnant. Totally trumps us in every way.

Sarah and I both completed the 5k walk and I don't think either of us got any blisters or pulled a hamstring. We are in amazing shape. Oh yes we are! We were able to walk at a decent pace. Look, not long ago we weren't even thinking about the word "pace." This is a very good sign that our work outs are working out.

Sarah was walking with her aunt, a breast cancer survivor. I was walking in memory of my grandmother and my mother in law. In addition walking for loved ones here and gone, our team also walked in celebration of Susan, our fellow DC Metro Mom blogger who is very much HERE!

If you would like to make a donation, you can still do so. Here.

Now go check out the pics from the day:

This is a Flickr badge showing items in a set called DC Metro Moms Race for the Cure 08. Make your own badge here.

Friday, June 6, 2008

National Race for the Cure counts as cardio!

Tomorrow Sarah and I will be walking in the Komen National Race for the Cure in DC. Here is information on our team. It's supposed to be triple digits, but hopefully those will hold off until later in the day.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Driving while Under Age (80) and Dilated

I'm going to have to work way harder this week since my schedule did not allow for me to see Vionna at all.

Obviously the first thing I will have to do is Jumping Jacks for one minute. I'll also have to do 25 minutes of Cardio. Actually 27 minutes because Sarah said my piss-offedness from Monday doesn't count as cardio. I'd capitalize the entire "B" word on that, but it's too hot to move let alone shout in caps. It's also too hot to write a post that flows well, so just bear with me.

Here is what I ate today thus far:

A bottle .5L bottle of water. (Yes, technically I drank from the bottle.)

A Gyro Salad with dressing on the side. This was essentially enough iceberg lettuce to be it's own head AND mine. It was a lot of lettuce, a little red onion, two kalmata olives and no banana peppers. The banana peppers were supposed to be in the salad, but they were absent, I missed them but not enough to flag down the server to ask about it. I had the Tzatziki dressing on the side and I didn't use all of it.

An iced tea with Splenda.

Water, many many ounces of water.

I skipped breakfast. I hate breakfast. I know. Don't tell me. I actually was much thinner before anyone tried to tell me I had to eat breakfast. Eating breakfast messed me up but good. So now I am going back to my roots where I ate a mid-morning snack around 10AM with Judge Marilyn Milian.

I also skipped coffee, but that wasn't intentional. My mother is visiting and she drank all of the first pot of coffee and I didn't have time to make more then I forgot to stop for a cup on the way to the eye doctor. After the eye doctor, I decided to go directly home because my eyes had been dilated and...

This is how I rolled.

Other motorists honked at me like I've never been honked at before. Evidently when you sit low, and have to drive slow and rock these shades, assumptions are made about the age of the driver.

Ageist bastards!

Something You May Not Know About Jumping Jacks

Jumping Jacks are easy, right?


Oh.My.Sweet.Jesus. How wrong that is. I remember doing jumping jacks in gym and it was no big deal. It wasn't like that torture "running laps". (I just had a flashback of Coach Johnson, my sixth grade PE teacher, yelling "No Pain, No Gain!" I thought that man was a lunatic.) Jumping Jacks, Grapevine, Windmill Toe Touches... that was all the easy stuff.

I'm not kidding. Try to do jumping jacks for one full minute. Right now. I'll wait.

Are you dying? It sucks doesn't it. Who knew?

Well, besides Vionna.

You really DO learn something new every day. Today I learned that doing jumping jacks for one minute hurts.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Famous People I Was Up In New York Seeing For Three Seconds

My shirt clashes with the wallpaper. That is all.

And if you look carefully, you can see the bowl of fresh fruit in the background.

Just as I Suspected

It is just as I suspected. I have a big belly because I eat and drink too much.

The exercising is going really well. In fact, yesterday I had a solo workout with Vionna because Devra was stuck in New York with some famous people.

Sometimes I think that woman knows everybody.

What was I saying? Oh, right. I eat too much and I drink too much beer.

At our first work out Vionna gave us these journals where we are supposed to write down everything we eat. Mine isn't even complete and it is embarrassing.

How does Devra always put it? I have no pie hole control.

I think this whole dieting thing would be easier if everybody just stopped brewing delicious beer. And perhaps backed off on the Tootsie Roll production.

All that aside, I already feel and look better. I'm not into my size 10 jeans yet. Fine, I'm not into my size 12 jeans yet, but my 14s are looser and that counts for something. Between working out with Vionna and Devra and walking with my temporary roommate Lori, things are going in the right direction. Just imagine if I was eating well!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Loser Mom Takes A Road Trip Did She Gain Anything From It?

5:15 AM I hit the road and head north to New York City. Every time I return to my roots I do so with mixed emotions. Actually, no. I have strong emotions about it. Such as what the hell became of "Manhattan?" Now The City is referred to as New York, NY and not Manhattan, NY. I was born in Manhattan! It says so on my birth certificate. This just pisses me off. But on the plus side, my heart rate increases when I think about just how much this pisses me off, so I'll count this as cardio.(Vionna if you are reading this, say yes, please say my piss-offedness does count as cardio as long as I was pissed for 25 minutes. KThxbye.)

The drive up to MANHATTAN which by the way, I will continue to call it until you pry a road atlas from my cold dead hands, went very well. I arrived an entire hour early. This gave me time to find parking and get to the Big Daddy's Diner where I was to attend a special event with comedians/actors Bill Engvall and Tim Meadows. While neither of them are losers like Sarah and I, they both seemed like nice guys for the 5 seconds I got to talk with them. At least if I ever do contact either of them, I have a hook to yank in order to remind them of who I am, "Hey, it's Devra. The parent blogger/author/expert who drove up from DC for that New York event and got there too late because I was trafficking." Maybe some day I'll have the opportunity to meet them again, and ask the questions I wanted to ask about their show and parenting, etc.

Because I arrived late I didn't get to hang out with my gal pals Liz, Joy, and Beth but after the event I did get to have Coffee/And with new blogmigas Kim and Barbara. There were other fabulous faces at the event, but I don't have URL's to pimp so you'll just have to trust me, they were there, and they were fabulous.

While being late was definitely embarrassing (If you know me, you know I always want to be on time) a positive is breakfast service was complete. (Thank you Top Chef. I can't help but think this way. I remain yours. Totally.) So yeah, about the food. I dove into the fresh fruit right away. I didn't even use the whipped cream or whatever kind of dip it actually was, I saw it, but did not use it. The kitchen very sweetly made me some French Toast. Not only did I offer to share it with a man I only just met (He was the camera operator for the film crew at the event) when he passed on my offer, I only ate one piece of the French Toast.

I was feeling fly. (I can feel something from the 80's. Shut up.) As I said, I then went out for coffee with Kim and Barbara. Barbara graciously treated, thank you Barbara! Sadly, I was all too consumed with finding a hotel to sleep in that night, so I wasn't a decent conversationalist and wouldn't blame either of them if they found me distracted and it annoyed them on the inside. Following coffee, I headed uptown to the hotel at E. 32nd street, parked my car, dumped my suitcase and walked uptown to Tweetup at Carnegie Deli for linner with Savvy Auntie (aka Melanie) before meeting my mother at my friend Liam's comedy show "Tell Your Friends". (which if you are in New York in a Monday night, you should go. It's even FREE!)

After walking from E32nd st. & Madison to W 55th St. and 7th Avenue I was feeling groovy. For Linner, Melanie and I spit a tuna sandwich on toasted wheat. We ordered a side of fries, but I didn't eat many of them. I drank an iced tea. We schmoozed. I reversed my trip, walking back to the hotel to meet my mother.

We hopped in a cab and headed to Lolita Bar for Liam's show. I had one drink. It was fruit based, so I think I did okay on that choice. I also drank water. Score! After the show, my mother and I went out for Chinese food. Because in New York, you can do that at 11:30PM on a weeknight. We weren't even the only ones eating. We had hot and sour soup and some sort of sizzling meat dish. I ate all of the soup, which I remember from my weight watcher days won't impede my success. As for the meat dish? It was good, but not so good I had to eat all of it, so I didn't. I also left half of my bowl of rice untouched. Yay!

We hopped back in the cab to the hotel and went to bed. In the morning we got up and visited the cafe next door to the hotel and had breakfast. I had French Toast, but didn't eat all of it, plus it was the short stack, and coffee. Following breakfast we went back upstairs to our 10th floor room. The only negative about our hotel was the elevator. It took FOREVAH to come to pick us up. Once packed, I went to push the elevator button. I joked with my mother as I left our room (she was still packing) about how the elevator would probably come the second I pushed the button since she wasn't ready. And guess what? It did. I decided to let it go since I knew others would be waiting on it like we've been doing every time. Seconds later my mom pops out of the room packed and ready to go.

I informed her about how the elevator had come and I had let it go because I thought of the others below us who might need it. So we waited in silence for a long time. And then my 71 year old mother quietly observed, "You know what? You probably should have held the elevator." We were both was silent for another moment before I heard her say, "Fuck The Others." We both had a good laugh about it. Considering both of us consider ourselves to be considerate people who don't go out of our way to fuck anyone else over, especially The Others. If you can't enjoy a fuck The Others moment with your mom, then really life just isn't all that much fun, is it? Deep thought. I have another...

As I awaited the elevator, I got to thinking that "quick and fast" will get you there. However, the elevator lead me to be much more zen about it. Correction. I am much more Aesop about it. My mantra is now "Slow and steady wins the race."

Thursday, May 29, 2008

HydraCoach Water Bottle Review

After reading a recommendation from a We Covet reader, I found myself coveting it too. I even called and emailed the company to see if they would consider sending samples to Sarah and me. But then I decided I didn't want to wait and see, I wanted the HydraCoach now. I went to Target and shelled out over 20 bucks for the bottle.

There are definite pros and cons:


Edited to add: de in DC has a serious one to add, the plastic reservoir of this bottle is type "7" which is the kind under scrutiny due to preliminary findings that "7" contains Bisphenol, a chemical which has been identified as being a possible carcinogen.

It's heavy. It's even heavier when you fill it with water.

In order to sip water from the bottle, you have to bite down on a silicon stem and suck. Not only is this uncomfortable on my teeth, it just feels too much like I am sucking on a sippy cup.

Having spent a lot of time in New England, it occurred to me the silicon stem of the bottle is far too reminiscent of the neck of a steamer. Again, something I found to be disconcerting if not flat out creepy. ( note picture of longneck clams)

It is very easy to program.

The digital display is clear. Buttons are easy to figure out.

Program your weight into the bottle and it will give you a recommendation of how many ounces of water you should be drinking to be properly hydrated. (Although one of the guys at the gym commented "What if it's a really hot day? How will it know?" Is it a valid point? I have no idea because I'm too busy hydrating myself and peeing like a racehorse as a result.)

Keeps track of how much you have had to drink, in ounces or in metric.

Pros and Cons aside. My biggest problem is I kept forgetting where I put the thing. Not the bottle's fault. It's all on me. At one point as we were getting ready to go from point A to Point B, Sarah asked, "Hey, you want this?" and I responded, "Want what?" (Picture Sarah dangling the hydracoach by it's handle thingy and looking at me hard.)

Can I recommend this gadget? Not for the price. If it were 10 bucks I think it would be a better investment.

1st Real Workout

We had our first workout today. Things went pretty well. Vionna didn't try to kill us or anything.

We started out doing five minutes on the ellipticals. Not bad at all.

Then we moved on. By far the strangest part was the American Gladiator style game of catch. (These pictures are a reenactment. We were much further apart for the real one.)

Devra seemed to have some trouble with the balancing part of this exercise. She fell off of her half ball a lot.

I would kick Devra's ass at American Gladiators. Maybe next time Vionna will let us use those padded sticks.

It was a beautiful day and we worked out outside almost the whole time. Devra said it felt like a vacation but I cannot recall any vacations I have ever gone on that involved push ups.

Here is a super flattering picture of me doing a squat.

I left the workout feeling pretty good but two and a half hours later I am starting to feel sore.

I've got a couple more pictures here. Vionna assured us that next week we would take pictures of us doing "the plank" and "Superman" for supreme embarrassment.

All in all it was a really good work out. I felt challenged but I never once cried or felt like I was going to die.

Let me know if you guys have any picture requests.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Guest Post: I hate these losers!

I want you to know that I hate you both for being such loser moms. I actually EXERCISED today (on purpose!)for the first time since Hurricane Katrina.

You suck.

At the time, the health club where I worked out was shut down for several months and so I had a "valid excuse". After that I was too "stressed" to exercise. But after reading your inspiration, I was either subjected to my own personal guilt, or else I just succumbed to your subtle form of positive parental peer pressure. So my era of more than two years without purposeful exercise has come to a close.

I blame you two.

My goal was to just get my heart rate elevated for just 20 lousy minutes. No prob. I jogged/walked for a couple of miles. Unfortunately as I turned the corner and jogged into the park to use the walking trail, I ran right into 4 classes of kids from my daughter's elementary school having a picnic, and saw 4 women that I know. Nothing like gasping for air, and sweating to death while trying to make a good impression. Secretly I know that they were all jealous of my internal motivation and were thinking that they really needed some exercise too (at least I hope that's what they were thinking while they stuffed picnic food into their pieholes).

Anyway, your blog got me going, and I am either the envy of the neighborhood or possibly the laughing stock. So I just wanted to say...

Thanks biatches!!


Tomorrow: You're Only a Day Away.

Tomorrow is our first REAL workout with Vionna.

I am very excited but also I am kind of scared.

Truth be told I am a lazy, out of shape crybaby. And I can't help thinking about how sore I was after the fitness assessment.

I mean - how pathetic is it that I was sore after an assessment? I only did seven push ups (which in reality adds six to my lifetime total of push ups - not including bras) and my armpits hurt for a whole day.

Also, I have to show Vionna my fitness journal which I have written in a grand total of once and if I write about today I have to admit to those Oreos.

Now that I have admitted to my all around wussiness I will focus on the positives.

1) I scored my favorite baby sitter. He is home from college for the summer and I'm hoping he will have a permanent Tuesday/Thursday slot open for me. The Goon Squad loves him and they will be thrilled to see him.

2) I might be able to wear some of my shorts from last year soon.

3) I always panic about physical activity and I usually feel great afterwards.

4) Since you guys are reading Loser Moms (and Devra and I appreciate that, we really do) I feel like I am obligated to actually go through with this. I'll be seeing some of you at BlogHer in San Francisco and I'll have to be in better shape or else there will be double embarrassment.

I'm rambling, aren't I?

Whatever. I'm sure you'll hear from us tomorrow. We'll let you know how it goes.

Vionna, ready or not here we come!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

That's it. I just need to grow up

All I need in order to reach my BMI goal is add 15 1/4 inches to my own height. You are probably wondering where I will find those extra inches. I have thought about this very carefully as well. I have a plan. I think it will work.

By my own admission I suck at math. Numbers just make my eyes glaze over. I even had to call two friends in order to figure out the amount of inches between 4'10 3/4" and 6' 2". But my sorry-ass math performance is for another day. Right now we're dealing with my BMI goal. So compare the numbers of our fitness test results.

Here are Sarah's scores:

Target Heart Rate Zone=120-157
Step Test=Poor
Pushup Test=Below Average
Sit up Test=Above Average
BMI= 26.6/Overweight(Goal is 22)
Body Fat=32.4/Obese (Goal is 26)

Here are my scores:

Target Heart Rate Zone=116-152
Step Test=Above Average
Pushup Test=Excellent
Sit up Test=Excellent
BMI= 40.0/Grade II Obesity (Goal is 25)
Body Fat=46.4/Obese (Goal is 28)

From the looks of our fitness test scores, I can just beat the crap out of Sarah and take her height away from her. I mean look at those push up numbers of hers. If I sit on her, she's not going to be able to do anything about it. Can she push me off? I doubt it, her upper body stength just isn't there. If I take her height and run up a flight of stairs with it? She's not going to be able to catch me.

Don't the experts say that in order to achieve your fitness goal you need to have a plan? I now have a plan. I will ambush Sarah at the bottom of the stairs at the Gym on Thursday.

I hope Vionna is cool with it. Because if she's not, I strongly suspect Vionna's fitness test scores are better than mine and she'll be able to catch me even if I run freakishly fast.

Yeah, that's a visual, isn't it? I'll leave you to consider that for a bit.

I am Obese.

When I was little I always thought that obese meant hugely fat. You know, the kind of overweight where you need a little cart to get around and you get a special handicapped parking permit.

At some point in my life I read that you only need to be 10 percent above your ideal body weight to be considered obese.

So, if my idea body weight at 5' 9" is 150 pounds (and I'm making that up. I don't know what the real number is, I just know I look thin at 150) I would only need to weigh 165 to be considered obese.

And don't I wish I weighed a mere 165?

Look. I know I am overweight. If I weren't I could just shop at The Limited like I used to.

Did you know The Limited doesn't carry size 14 anymore?

I knew it.

I am not obsessed with their clothes the way I used to be but it still hurts my feeling that I can't shop there.

What was I even talking about?

Oh right. I'm obese. Check out the results from my fitness test:

Target Heart Rate Zone=120-157
Step Test=Poor
Pushup Test=Below Average
Sit up Test=Above Average
BMI= 26.6/Overweight(Goal is 22)
Body Fat=32.4/Obese (Goal is 26)


I guess that is why I need Vionna.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm going to enthrall you with my acumen

If I wear this mask I believe it will prevent me from eating after 7PM.

I totally want one of these. Just to wear around the house at night. Who's with me?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

It's the End of the World as We Know It

Shockingly, I feel fine.

No kidding. I was sore as hell yesterday and then I went on the elliptical. Today, I feel great.

Exercise is strange and baffling to me.

I think I'll hop back on the elliptical this morning.* I'm on a roll.


*Plus if I do 20 minutes on my machine I can send Devra threatening e-mails later and force her to do it too.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Target, not the heart rate, the store.

I headed out to Target to get Son One's b-day gift. I called Sarah from my car...

Devra: "I shouldn't have driven. It hurts whenever I have to turn the steering wheel. Maybe I should have walked here from my house."

Sarah: "No, better you drove. Think about it. You'd get into Target, you'd find the gift and then what? You can't carry anything. How would you get it home? Steal a shopping cart from Target? Then you'd not only have to walk back home, but you'd have to push that fucking cart too. And then how do you think you'd feel? "

Devra: "Oh man. I didn't even think about that. Good point! You are such a wise woman. That is exactly why I called you. I needed to hear a voice of reason. Thank you!"

Then later in the afternoon I received this email from Sarah:
"Did my 20 biatch!" meaning she completed her 20 minutes on the elliptical.

Game on. So I completed my 20 as well.

Who do you think will be whining more about full body pain tomorrow?

Sarah or me?

Because winners have theme songs and losers need motivating

Devra says:

We know. We don't live in Philly. Maybe you don't think we're like Rocky and need a theme song, but we disagree. We need many theme songs to keep us inspired and motivated. Sure, we could come up with our own list of songs combining what we think to be the best of what we both like to hear. But do you really trust our judgement?
Do you trust two moms with a shared penchant for 80's music which only reflects a time when we both thought we looked smokin' hot?

Dokken, Culture Club, Anthrax, Tears For Fears, Iron Maiden, The Smiths, Pantera, New Order, QueensRyche, Pet Shop Boys, Sound Garden, Terrance Trent D'arby, Metallica, Simple Minds...

Think about that list of artists. Think about how Sarah and I both love this decade. How this pure and authentic love of the 80's sounds to each of us.

Now think about how it would actually sound if we combined them...

Think hard.

Then think about listening to something like that on your iPod or MP3.

Scares the ever living shit out of you, doesn't it?

Preventing us from making that playlist should be your first priority and in order to do that, you are going to have to give us song suggestions.

Your input will be included in a "You Choose, We Lose" playlist we will be happy to share on iTunes.

Something I've never said before as a parent, but am saying it now...

Devra says:

"This hurts me more than it hurts you." Who gets stiff and sore just from an fitness assessment? Who? Who? WHO?! Me. Evidently I also awoke this morning having an urge to write a blog post making me sound like a demented owl, but I digress.

For those of you wondering where exactly I hurt, for starters my arms. Had I known it would put me in this condition, I never would have whipped Sarah's ass in push-ups. I'm more than paying for it now. My legs ache which means going upstairs for any reason will pose some challenges. But, I am a problem solver. I always try to find a solution.

I am seriously considering living for the next few days on the ground floor of our house and bathing in the powder room sink.

Edited to add: For the record Sarah is exagerating for dramatic effect. Something I would never do. You can count on me to tell it to you straight; I did 26 push-ups. While the push-ups may have been easier for me given my proximity to the ground, Sarah had a big advantage with the Step Test. For the record, because I am not overly dramatic, the "Step" was practically as high as my neck and for Sarah it barely reached her ankle.

Ouch: The Day After

Sarah says:

Holy hell. My armpits hurt.

Vionna didn't even work us hard yesterday. She was only trying to get an idea of what kind of shape we were in.

I am such a wimp.

Did I mention that I could only do 8 girl push ups and Devra did something insane like 44?

Devra says it is because she is closer to the ground.

This is the past where I get to mention that I am 5' 9" and Devra is (I swear to God this is how she said it) 4' 10" 3/4.

I told her it was okay to round up to 4' 11".

So I promised that I would go on my elliptical at 5:00 this morning. Of course I slept through that workout. I'll do it later. After all. The whole internet knows. Well, maybe not the entire internet but the 38 people that read this site.

Anyway, my armpits hurt and so do my thigh muscles. (I suspect these have a name but biology words make me squeamish.)

No pain no gain right?

So I'm taking bets on who thinks I am going to die during our first real workout. I'm putting my money on me laying on the ground and crying at some point. I lean toward the over dramatic.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

We need to do something.

And it is I. Devra from Parentopia. It's been 6 months since I wrote a post about how I want to be in shape. I even contacted Vibram and asked if they would send me a pair of their Vibram Five Fingers because someone made a comment on that post recommending what I refer to as "toe shoes." Vibram sent me the shoes (they also sent a pair to Aviva). I must admit, that as hideous as I thought they looked*, they actually are very comfortable and I do wear them. Have I worn them on my elliptical yet? Ummmmm. No. But I did wear them to a party. They were a tremendous hit.

I also wore them today when I met Vionna. We were going over so much during the time we were with Vionna, I never got to explain my footwear. On Thursday can someone remind me to tell her why I was wearing toe shoes? She didn't say anything to me about the shoes, but she did inquire, "Do you have regular exercise shoes?" I don't think I've ever used "regular" and "exercise" in the same sentence. Ever. I'll also have to tell her how much I hate tying shoes. Then maybe she'll give me a pass to wear the toe shoes.

Here are some highlights of our meeting with Vionna:

Vionna gave each of us a pole so we could hold it up over our head and then complete an overhead squat test. I seized this opportunity to use the pole to demonstrate for Sarah a flag twirling routine I learned in high school. (Yes, I was a flag twirler in high school. I was dyslexic and left handed. It wasn't pretty. Don't tell my mother, it would burst her bubble because she thinks I was a soloist in the half-time show. Shhhh. I only did the twirling thing so I could go on the band trip to Florida every year.)

Neither Sarah nor I were able to find our own pulse prior to the Step Test. Sarah maintained that she might, in fact, be dead. I held strong to my belief I may be a true descendant of a Zombie. As Sarah and I debated our mortality, a woman walked by us and blew both our theories to bits, "You are both definitely alive." Then Vionna made us do the step test anyway.

After the step test, Sarah and I felt like dying. On the "up" side, I found my pulse racing throughout my body and heard my own heart beating in my ears.

Vionna took our body measurements. While I didn't add the numbers from my arm, waist and hips, I wouldn't be surprised at all if they added up to be 360, proving once and for all that I am in shape. Round.

Vionna gave us a nifty notebook in which to keep track of what we are eating and how we do on the days we aren't meeting with Vionna.

So today begins a significant change for Sarah and me. Two losers who hope to win the battle of the bulge.

*Note to you single women seeking male companionship, these are the shoes I would wear to meet men. Seriously. They are. True story, I walked into an elevator wearing these shoes and this really hot guy made eye contact with me and implored, "You must tell me where you got those shoes!" Had I been single, I would have brought him home with me. If you want one like him, you're going to want to get you some toe shoes. Trust me on this.

Here Goes Nothing

It is I. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah.

You may be wondering why I am voluntarily calling myself a loser. It isn't just my normal self-deprecation. Devra and I are on a mission. Our first goal is to lose 10 pounds by BlogHer '08.

We've got six weeks and a secret weapon.

Our secret weapon? Meet Vionna Jones from Fit in D.C.

Vionna will be doing our personal training twice a week.

We had our first session today. We spent the morning doing several different activities so that Vionna could determine how out of shape we are what our current levels of physical fitness were. She also measured us and figured out our BMI.

It wasn't pretty.

But you know what? That is why we are doing this.

I've got my journal to write down what I put in my mouth and what kind of physical activity I do every day.

I'm not sure the spaces are big enough for me to write down everything I eat in a day.

My problem is evident. I eat too much, I drink too much beer and I spend too much time on my fat ass staring at the computer.

Now we change that. Devra and I will be posting our story here.

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