Equilibrium is not my friend. If there were a way I could give up being a biped and walk on all fours, I'd pounce all over it. With all fours. Seriously. I would. Maybe you think I am exaggerating, but I'm not. The first time I read, "Tuesday's child is full of grace." on a paper place mat at a diner in New Jersey, I thought,"No way in hell am I full of grace", knocked over a glass of water which spilled everywhere.
Yeah, I'm a class act.
Think I might be exaggerating again? Oh, don't I wish! You should have been with me on a recent business trip. I was staying at a wonderful hotel, but after my two night stay there I was bruised all over my legs. Why? I kept running into my own damn bed. I must have run into that thing at least 10 times. Pathetic isn't it? It's a bed, it's a fairly large bed at that and yet I just couldn't seem to stop some sort of relentless masochistic ritual of hitting myself with it when walking around my hotel room.
So this brings us to the other day when I was working out with Vionna. Vionna knows all about my lack of coordination. I have explained to her how I was a Flag Twirler in highschool and never got the routines right. It was so bad my own mother chose to believe I was a soloist. See, when you work out with a trainer, you need to be willing to disclose some very personal and private information about yourself (and then post it on the Internet for all to see).
Vionna and Sarah have seen me fall off the Bosu -which I sometimes refer to as the Bonsai, but most often call it Erykah- regularly. But even so, I fall off the ball and get right back up again. This is dedication my friends.
This next part I may have the sequence wrong, but the end result is the same, I bruised myself. First when Vionna left me outside while she went inside to get something, she wasn't expecting to turn around and see me fall over in slowMo after trying to balance on one leg and to reach down to touch a small orange safety cone. The idea was supposed to be me moving my body in one giant motion, much like one of these only on one leg and not putting the other foot down in between dips. I did it like that for about 3 times, but then all hell broke loose. I put my foot down once. I know, total cheat. Then by the 9th time I was out of control. I dipped down and then I tilted. I tilted a lot. I tilted so much I fell right over. Vionna suggested I stop doing the balance bobbing thing. I didn't feel like fighting her so I agreed.
Next we went on to an exercise where I was laying on my back on a mat. I raised both of my legs to form the letter L. I had a 5 pound dumbell in my hand and the idea was to lift my arm with the dumbell, and bring it kitty corner to my opposite leg. This was supposed to help my Obliques I think. I did it once and hit my shin with the dumbell. I tried again, I hit myself again. Vionna asked, "Are your eyes open?" I answered, "Of course they are. Why? Do your other clients do this exercise with their eyes closed?" Then I switch hands and try the other leg and hit myself with the dumbell some more. Maybe my shins are magnetic.
Oh, yesterday? Sarah already described the crazy ball exercise. Vionna ended up telling me to stop using the ball because I hit myself in the face with it.
I wonder if any famous people look as stupid as I do when I work out and if so, were they born on a Tuesday.