Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's Not The Food, Its The Sofa

I tell you it is a magnet. The pull on this sofa is amazing. Once my ass connects with it, well I'm a goner. Sure I sit and consider how I could exercise instead of sit. But somehow the magnetic field of the sofa interferes with the synapse of my brain and the connection between getting off of the sofa and onto the elliptical just doesn't occur. I think I may have redefined "vegetative state" as the act of eating carrot sticks while on a sofa. If anyone needs an intervention, it might be me. Why don't we go through the possible signs and we can see?

DSM-IV Sofa Abuse Criteria
Sofa dependence is defined as a maladaptive pattern of sofa use leading to clinically significant
impairment or distress as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. Recurrent sofa use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (such as repeated absences or poor work performance related to sofa use; sofa-related absences,suspensions, or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).

Technically I use the sofa daily. There are long stretches in the day when I am not using it and don't even think about using it. I have never tried to sneak the sofa into a meeting, or take it to my children's school. I admit home use is more of a challenge due to the sofa always being in the house. "MAYBE."

2. Recurrent sofa use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (such as driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by sofa use)

Our sofa is large and its shape precludes it from fitting inside our mini-van. The coffeemaker is in the kitchen and I have made no attempts to bring it into the living room to operate on the sofa. I think I am safe at answering this one "NO."

3. Recurrent sofa-related legal problems (such as arrests for sofa related disorderly conduct)

To the best of my knowledge it's not illegal to fall asleep on the sofa two nights in a row. No one has ever served me a subpoena whilst I have been sitting on the sofa. Resounding"NO."

4. Continued sofa use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the sofa (for example, arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication and physical fights).

While it shames me to admit this, I have at times DVR'd over other people's selected programs. This has caused some discord in our family when, for example, the recording of Ghost Hunters has been cancelled in favor of Spit Ends. While we haven't had any knock-down-drag-outs about it (Hello? That might mean I would have to get off the sofa.) Words have been exchanged and they aren't ones oft shared in polite society. "YES."

Hello, my name is Devra, and I am a sofaholic.

Which leads me to ask, "What up with that?" and why can't I be stronger than my sofa? What stops me from watching The People's Court, Judge Judy and everything ever aired on BravoTV,while on the elliptical? I can! Why won't I? I know I should. I think about it constantly.
Let me assure you, in case you have been somehow misled, rumination does not count as cardio. Even I am not in denial about that.

I can't just throw the sofa out. Nor can my family hide it from me. I suppose I could avoid the living room, but eventually we will have other people over and they should be able to use the sofa while guests in our home. I may be rationalizing that.

12 Step Program? I need something more like a 10,000 step program.

Now I just need to find myself a sponsor.


Jessica R. said...

I'll be your sponsor if you'll be mine. I have a very similar problem (and ironically have also blogged about it. We may have more than one problem...).
My hunch though, might be that out issue is not actually with the sofa, but with the brain sucking TV to which we lavish our undying devotion. Is there an intervention for that?

Justice Fergie said...

i'm SO with you on this one. except my "sofa" is my bed. i could sit here all day. but my doggone job gets in the way.

i HAVE made a major improvement and watch all my Bravo junk on the treadmill. i walk during the show and run during the commercials. after all, i don't want to miss something riveting that Tamra may have said to Vicki.

Deb said...

I'd help, but in addition to my own deep-seated sofa maladaptions, I have Secondary Sofa Trauma from being in a poorly-run support group of Sofa Abuse, Chaise-Related Neglect, Anorchairia Bulimia and Couch Attachment Disorder patients too soon in my own recovery. It was chaos. Some were sitting, some jogged around the room, lots never even showed up.

(Devra, you know you always clinically-significantly charm me with DSM-IV references. Psycho-socio geeks.)

Crunchy Carpets said...

the sofa is my home. I can set it all up so I have baby, remote, phone, drink, blankies etc all at hand.

However, the rest of the family including the dog and one cat also think it belongs to them..so there is a lot of yelling about who is the boss and who gets to kick WHO of the couch..i tend to win....

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