Jillian Michaels is Trying to Kill Me

Jillian Michaels is Trying to Kill Me

Or, how I gained new found respect for the contestants on the Biggest Loser.

A guest post by our friend, fellow twin mom and Biggest Loser Mom contestant, Liz from Goddess in Progress.

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I'm a fan of The Biggest Loser. I think it's amazing and inspirational to see what people are capable of doing. Like any "reality" show, there is plenty of inserted drama, and I always DVR over the too-obvious product placements. But still, I love it.

I will admit, however, to scoffing at the scenes when the contestants break down in tears, begging Jillian to let them take a break, swearing up and down that they are going to die. "Yeah right," I think. "Get over it. Jillian isn't actually going to let you die."

I think I might be wrong.

This morning, I tried her 30-Day Shred DVD for the first time. Now, while I am out of shape and overweight, I am not a stranger to exercise. I completed the EA Sports 30 Day Challenge, which was definitely real exertion. I went to the gym just yesterday and did 40 sweaty minutes on the elliptical. I am not completely sedentary. But I got about two-thirds of the way through the Level 1 Workout (complete with beginner modifications), and I could not breathe. Seriously, I had to wake up my husband to find out where he keeps his inhaler, and I am not the asthmatic in the family. I couldn't make it 20 minutes with Jillian on a DVD. Yet I watch 400-pound people have her all up in their face, and know that they're doing it for six hours a day. I will never call any of them whiny, ever again. (Or, at least, not when they're protesting the workouts.)

I had heard about what an ass-kicker this DVD can be. I've jumped on the Shredhead bandwagon and signed up for their October Challenge. I was ready for my legs to be sore (they are) and for my arms to be like jello (they are). I was not prepared for the fact that I could not even complete the first workout. It's a good thing I was in the living room by myself, because it was downright embarrassing.

And yet... I'm finding the competition and mob mentality of these group challenges, like here on Loser Moms or over at Shredheads, to be a welcome external source of motivation. I definitely have a competitive side, and so any time I consider falling off the wagon, a little voice screams "but I want to WIN!" And though that voice has some serious crazy in it, I'm listening. Hell, I'm down nearly 10 pounds, it can't be all wrong.

And Jillian, you crazy bitch you... I'll see you again on Friday.

Liz is a stay-at-home mom to twin toddlers, which is not so much the guarantee of exercise and weight loss as some people suggested that it would be. It kicks her ass in entirely different ways, which she writes about at Goddess in Progress, and at How Do You Do It?, a blog for moms of multiples. She also writes about her (entirely sedentary, hrm) quilting obsession at Teeny Tiny Quilts, and figures that stress-fabric-buying is better for her waistline than stress-eating.

Stimey Lays Out Her Dieting Options

Hey! Another guest post. You guys rule. Please welcome one of my favorite bloggers and the person I am plotting to steal boots from, Stimey. She also threw grapes at me one time, but that is a different story. Without further ado:

Remember when the Biggest Loser Mom Contest started and I was all, "I am going to kick your asses! Prepare to go down! I'm winning this thing!" Remember that? Well, I'm down three pounds, but it's not exactly the ten I was hoping for by this time.

Well, in an effort to find the best way to get to my goal, I've laid out my dieting options here.

Jab my metabolism into action by eating a pan of brownies. Nope. That backfired. That's what got me here in the first place.

Buying exercise equipment. Oh, you mean you actually have to use it?

Anorexia. I'm too hungry and lack discipline.

Bulimia. Ick. Plus, ever since I had kids, my bladder leaks when I vomit. And I just can't take that added insult.

Liquid Diet. It turns out that beer has calories. And it makes you more likely to stuff things like potato chips into your craw. Also, ice cream soup isn't that good for you.

A "cleanse." I'm not entirely sure what this is, but it sounds kind of gross and unpleasant. Plus, I heard something on the radio about how after doing a cleanse, people claim to have never felt better, but then they never do it again. So, no.

Weight Watchers. This one actually works! Or at least it did once, when I was in my twenties. I think that by the third or forth time you join, you take it less seriously. Remember that I lack discipline?

Eat a good breakfast, then nothing else all day. They say when you eat breakfast that it kick starts your metabolism. I think it just kick starts my hunger. After cereal or eggs, I'm hungry like an hour later.

Eat nothing all day until I eat a healthy dinner. I can happily go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating. But then I want to eat from then until midnight.

South Beach Diet. I don't know what this is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it involves me wearing a bikini. So, again. No.

Atkins. But my carbs! My precious carbs!

Raw diet. It turns out that Doritos aren't raw. Dammit.

Exercise daily and eat several, small, healthy, low-calorie meals over the course of the day. Well, fuck. Why is it always the hardest option that works?


Stimey writes a lot about parenting, her life, and autism over at Stimeyland, but there is a surprising lack of stories about her successful weight loss there. Come to think of it, maybe if she spent less time sitting on her ass in front of her computer, she'd be thinner. Again, the least attractive solution is always the one with the potential to work.

Dressing Room Confessions

Behold our first guest post from a Biggest Loser Mom contestant. Please welcome my friend, Sue.

I had an epiphany yesterday. And not the good kind where someone brings you gold, frankincense and myrrh.

My 9-year old needs an outfit for school picture day this week. So we headed to Kohls over the weekend and loaded up the dressing room with outfits. (Every one in which her 9-year old body looked adorable.) You know what wasn't adorable?

I caught a glimpse of myself standing behind her in the ginormous mirror.

HOLY HELL!!! Is THAT what I look like???

I don't have a full-length mirror in my house. And I know I have put on a "few" pounds in the past year, but I really had no idea that anyone else could see them. Except, like I said, HOLY HELL! The image in the mirror was not at ALL how I thought I looked. I hardly recognized myself.

I have to admit, I've been a little lazy about this challenge. I was waiting for preschool to start so I could exercise without a four-year old climbing on me. And then school started last week and I was really behind on my errands, so I thought I'd just spend a few days running those first. And, you know, the pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks, so while I was running my errands, lemme grab one of those...

But looking in that mirror at Kohls, I knew. There is no more denying it. And no laziness. IT MUST STOP HERE. I need to lace up my dreaded sneakers and hit the streets. Which I did, the very morning after. And I must pry the chocolate chip cookies from my hands and tape my mouth shut.

These past 12 or so months, I've been in denial. I eat generally healthy. Ok, except for the aforementioned cookies. (Ok AND the lattes.) But I have no portion control. And I don't exercise. Because I hate it. HATE. IT.

So here are my resolutions for this week.

• Eat MUCH smaller portions. Use a salad plate instead of a dinner plate. Use a mug instead of a bowl. Drink a whole bottle of water first, any time I feel like snacking.


• Exercise in some way, every day. Whether it's spending 20 minutes with the dreaded Jillian, walking my daughter to preschool instead of driving or hitting the elliptical at the gym. (Hello Ballys! Remember me? I haven't been here since May!) And here's how I will enforce this resolution... I won't open Google Reader until I have exercised. (Gotta hit myself where it counts.)

How is everyone else doing? Any resolutions to share?


If blogging burned calories, Sue would be skinny. (Wouldn't we all?) Since it doesn't, she is hoping to lose 30 pounds the old-fashioned way. And plans to use exercise as a new way to avoid doing the laundry. She writes at Laundry for Six, DC Metro Moms and Blissfully Domestic.

I Should Follow My Own Diet Advice

While on a diet:

1) A cheese steak sandwich isn't the best choice.

2) One lunch is enough.

3) You don't need cookies.

I blame PMS.

Visiting Old Places, Having a new mindset

So I mentioned in the comments that I was away last week. The two sons and I took a road trip to Kentucky, Illinois and Kansas. Roadtrips present certain challenges for me, and this was the first time I actually paid attention to what those challenges actually are and the way I deal with them.

1. Thinking "I can eat whatever I want when we stop for gas. It's just a snack." No. I can't. I can't because I usually pick the absolute most disgustingly big chocolate bar or some other equally large and calorie packed confection. So this time I bought a small bag of Sugar Free York Peppermint patties. And when the kids asked, "Can we have some." I said, "YES!" this meant there were fewer patties for me to put in my piehole. Always a good thing.

2. Krispy Kreme donuts are the devil. And if you eat them, you must ration them. If you ration them long enough they will stay in the box in your car for 3 days, and at the end of that period, they will gross you out. If they gross you out, then you can throw them away easily.

2 a. It's stupid to buy donuts you will throw out in three days. Don't waste your money like that. Instead buy two donuts. And only two donuts. No more, no less. One donut will leave you wanting more, two donuts are just enough. Three donuts put you over the Hill of Remorse. Trust me on this.

3. Tough shit if your restaurant server looks at you funny when you ask them to box up half of your meal before it is served to you. Fuck 'em. They aren't fat. When they fifty pounds heavier, they can dispapprove of my request and give me a tough time. But for now, box up half of my food and leave your condemnation of me in the kitchen.

4. Hit a big box store and buy your own snacks for the road. This will stop the temptation of buying the Reeses Peanut Butter cups when you fill up your car. Repeat after me, "Filling stations are for filling you car, not your face."

5. One bite of something you love, which is utterly not good for you or on your food program, tastes the same as if you had eaten the entire thing. Decide which is more important, losing the pounds or having an entire piece of cake at the Bar Mitzvah. Okay, maybe that is a bit more specific than what everyone else is doing, but you get the picture.

At the end of the trip, following these fab 5, I lost weight instead of gaining it. Considering my goal was to be down 2 lb's this week, I think I did fairly well. Even if I don't do the math.

What did you do differently this week? Or will you do anything differently next week?

Biggest Loser Mom Progress Report: Day 7

Well, the Holiday weekend has been tough. Gabe barbecued a pork shoulder and it was amazing.

This morning I was down .5 pounds (overall) which is a pound up from three days ago.



And you guys are right. I shouldn't weigh myself every day. That is a recipe for mania.

Still, I'm doing better. I am getting back into the routine of exercising. I am paying more attention to what I am putting in my mouth. At my fantasy football draft I only ate one piece of meatatarian pizza (albeit a POUS) and I only drank two beers. There was a bowl of chips in front of me and I did not even eat one.

Not one chip. That is some sort of superhuman willpower.

At least superSarah willpower. Salty snacks and beer are like Kryptonite to me.

While I don't seem to be on track to win the big money I am making progress.

How are you guys doing? How did your first week go?

_____

ps - Send me your guest posts on the biggest loser mom challenge and I will post them.

pps - Clearly that is not my scale. The last time I weighed 115 I was in elementary school.

Biggest Loser mom Challenge Day 1 Recap

Day 2: No change.

I did fairly well on day 1.

And by fairly well I mean I only ate one cookie and I only drank a glass and a half of wine.

That isn't all I ate all day. I also had fruit and tuna and a HUGE salad for dinner.

I also did 20 minutes on my elliptical.

And when I weighed myself this morning there was no change.

And so far I am okay with that.



But tomorrow morning there had better be a change because today I am eating even better, and I am hungry.

It Is On

It has begun.

Let The Biggest Loser Moms Contest commence.


I'll have you know that I haven't eaten a thing today. Granted, it is 7:45 and I've only been up since 7:00, but still, that is a start.

And while the rest of you are under no obligation to do this I will tell you this - I weighed in this morning at 184.5.

So there it is.

And away we go!