Hey! Another guest post. You guys rule. Please welcome one of my favorite bloggers and the person I am plotting to steal boots from, Stimey. She also threw grapes at me one time, but that is a different story. Without further ado:
Remember when the Biggest Loser Mom Contest started and I was all, "I am going to kick your asses! Prepare to go down! I'm winning this thing!" Remember that? Well, I'm down three pounds, but it's not exactly the ten I was hoping for by this time.
Well, in an effort to find the best way to get to my goal, I've laid out my dieting options here.
Jab my metabolism into action by eating a pan of brownies. Nope. That backfired. That's what got me here in the first place.
Buying exercise equipment. Oh, you mean you actually have to use it?
Anorexia. I'm too hungry and lack discipline.
Bulimia. Ick. Plus, ever since I had kids, my bladder leaks when I vomit. And I just can't take that added insult.
Liquid Diet. It turns out that beer has calories. And it makes you more likely to stuff things like potato chips into your craw. Also, ice cream soup isn't that good for you.
A "cleanse." I'm not entirely sure what this is, but it sounds kind of gross and unpleasant. Plus, I heard something on the radio about how after doing a cleanse, people claim to have never felt better, but then they never do it again. So, no.
Weight Watchers. This one actually works! Or at least it did once, when I was in my twenties. I think that by the third or forth time you join, you take it less seriously. Remember that I lack discipline?
Eat a good breakfast, then nothing else all day. They say when you eat breakfast that it kick starts your metabolism. I think it just kick starts my hunger. After cereal or eggs, I'm hungry like an hour later.
Eat nothing all day until I eat a healthy dinner. I can happily go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating. But then I want to eat from then until midnight.
South Beach Diet. I don't know what this is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it involves me wearing a bikini. So, again. No.
Atkins. But my carbs! My precious carbs!
Raw diet. It turns out that Doritos aren't raw. Dammit.
Exercise daily and eat several, small, healthy, low-calorie meals over the course of the day. Well, fuck. Why is it always the hardest option that works?
Stimey writes a lot about parenting, her life, and autism over at Stimeyland, but there is a surprising lack of stories about her successful weight loss there. Come to think of it, maybe if she spent less time sitting on her ass in front of her computer, she'd be thinner. Again, the least attractive solution is always the one with the potential to work.