Thursday, September 17, 2009

Stimey Lays Out Her Dieting Options

Hey! Another guest post. You guys rule. Please welcome one of my favorite bloggers and the person I am plotting to steal boots from, Stimey. She also threw grapes at me one time, but that is a different story. Without further ado:

Remember when the Biggest Loser Mom Contest started and I was all, "I am going to kick your asses! Prepare to go down! I'm winning this thing!" Remember that? Well, I'm down three pounds, but it's not exactly the ten I was hoping for by this time.

Well, in an effort to find the best way to get to my goal, I've laid out my dieting options here.

Jab my metabolism into action by eating a pan of brownies. Nope. That backfired. That's what got me here in the first place.

Buying exercise equipment. Oh, you mean you actually have to use it?

Anorexia. I'm too hungry and lack discipline.

Bulimia. Ick. Plus, ever since I had kids, my bladder leaks when I vomit. And I just can't take that added insult.

Liquid Diet. It turns out that beer has calories. And it makes you more likely to stuff things like potato chips into your craw. Also, ice cream soup isn't that good for you.

A "cleanse." I'm not entirely sure what this is, but it sounds kind of gross and unpleasant. Plus, I heard something on the radio about how after doing a cleanse, people claim to have never felt better, but then they never do it again. So, no.

Weight Watchers. This one actually works! Or at least it did once, when I was in my twenties. I think that by the third or forth time you join, you take it less seriously. Remember that I lack discipline?

Eat a good breakfast, then nothing else all day. They say when you eat breakfast that it kick starts your metabolism. I think it just kick starts my hunger. After cereal or eggs, I'm hungry like an hour later.

Eat nothing all day until I eat a healthy dinner. I can happily go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating. But then I want to eat from then until midnight.

South Beach Diet. I don't know what this is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it involves me wearing a bikini. So, again. No.

Atkins. But my carbs! My precious carbs!

Raw diet. It turns out that Doritos aren't raw. Dammit.

Exercise daily and eat several, small, healthy, low-calorie meals over the course of the day. Well, fuck. Why is it always the hardest option that works?

Stimey writes a lot about parenting, her life, and autism over at Stimeyland, but there is a surprising lack of stories about her successful weight loss there. Come to think of it, maybe if she spent less time sitting on her ass in front of her computer, she'd be thinner. Again, the least attractive solution is always the one with the potential to work.


Goddess in Progress said...

Yeah, I always thought I lacked the discipline and self-hatred to be anorexic and lacked the determination to be bulimic. Weight Watchers it is. Again.

I've lost count how many times I've started WW in the last 11 years. 8? 10? Who knows. But it does work, every single time. Until I stop doing it. When will I learn?

Devra said...

Counting calories and fat grams is another option, however that would require I take remedial math.

Melissa said...

I have the same problem--I'm signed up for WW and every morning I think, today's the day when I start over, but by lunchtime it's often out the door! Discipline is tough!

BetteJo said...

Not talking about it. Ugh.

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...

Haha! I totally forgot about the bladder leaking when puking thing. Because I pretty much made that same mental list. Bulimia is a definite cross-off now.

The only thing that REALLY helps me is to exercise, because then I feel motivated not to blow it, at least for that day. (Now if I just had unlimited hours of free time to exercise at random every day...)

(And? I am totally with you on breakfast. If I skip it, I can totally go to lunch or beyond without being hungry. Eat a healthy breakfast, I'm making a sandwich by 10:30.)

AnnetteK said...

All that throwdown talk, and I'm not doing any better than you are. ;)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I weighed myself this morning and found myself exactly where I started.

whymommy said...

Yeah. I'm up a pound. And pissed off.

Nancy said...

Ya. I'm pretty sure I've gained. *sigh*

Been using WW ... and sometimes I even count all of the points I eat in a day. Sometimes that's a lot of points. Who knew that cake would kill your daily ration? word verification is "table" ... even blogger is mocking me. "come sit at the table and EAT something!" heh

teachmama said...

What a riot-- I had some friends over here who tried the cleanse--no joke--and by day 5 they were insane, weak, and seriously cranky. I feared for their families, neighbors, pets, you name it.
Not worth it.

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