It's Not The Food, Its The Sofa

I tell you it is a magnet. The pull on this sofa is amazing. Once my ass connects with it, well I'm a goner. Sure I sit and consider how I could exercise instead of sit. But somehow the magnetic field of the sofa interferes with the synapse of my brain and the connection between getting off of the sofa and onto the elliptical just doesn't occur. I think I may have redefined "vegetative state" as the act of eating carrot sticks while on a sofa. If anyone needs an intervention, it might be me. Why don't we go through the possible signs and we can see?

DSM-IV Sofa Abuse Criteria
Sofa dependence is defined as a maladaptive pattern of sofa use leading to clinically significant
impairment or distress as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. Recurrent sofa use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (such as repeated absences or poor work performance related to sofa use; sofa-related absences,suspensions, or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).

Technically I use the sofa daily. There are long stretches in the day when I am not using it and don't even think about using it. I have never tried to sneak the sofa into a meeting, or take it to my children's school. I admit home use is more of a challenge due to the sofa always being in the house. "MAYBE."

2. Recurrent sofa use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (such as driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by sofa use)

Our sofa is large and its shape precludes it from fitting inside our mini-van. The coffeemaker is in the kitchen and I have made no attempts to bring it into the living room to operate on the sofa. I think I am safe at answering this one "NO."

3. Recurrent sofa-related legal problems (such as arrests for sofa related disorderly conduct)

To the best of my knowledge it's not illegal to fall asleep on the sofa two nights in a row. No one has ever served me a subpoena whilst I have been sitting on the sofa. Resounding"NO."

4. Continued sofa use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the sofa (for example, arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication and physical fights).

While it shames me to admit this, I have at times DVR'd over other people's selected programs. This has caused some discord in our family when, for example, the recording of Ghost Hunters has been cancelled in favor of Spit Ends. While we haven't had any knock-down-drag-outs about it (Hello? That might mean I would have to get off the sofa.) Words have been exchanged and they aren't ones oft shared in polite society. "YES."

Hello, my name is Devra, and I am a sofaholic.

Which leads me to ask, "What up with that?" and why can't I be stronger than my sofa? What stops me from watching The People's Court, Judge Judy and everything ever aired on BravoTV,while on the elliptical? I can! Why won't I? I know I should. I think about it constantly.
Let me assure you, in case you have been somehow misled, rumination does not count as cardio. Even I am not in denial about that.

I can't just throw the sofa out. Nor can my family hide it from me. I suppose I could avoid the living room, but eventually we will have other people over and they should be able to use the sofa while guests in our home. I may be rationalizing that.

12 Step Program? I need something more like a 10,000 step program.

Now I just need to find myself a sponsor.

Some Things Taste as Good as Skinny Feels

This post was originally written for and posted on Sarah and the Goon Squad.

* * *

Recently Kate Moss told interviewer Brid Costello that one of her mottoes is "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

My first reaction was to recite that to myself 800 times a day and see if it worked. I've been having a lot of trouble getting motivated to lose weight in the last couple of years. I thought maybe this would help.

Instead, it just made me realize how wrong she was. Here is a short list of reasons why Kate Moss is wrong.

• beer


• Doritos


• Pringles sour cream and onion chips


• bacon


• bagels


• a bloody mary


• macaroni and cheese


• foie gras


• french fries


• Anything from Five Guys


• brownies


• fresh strawberries


• cheese steak


• fried rice


• burritos


• beef stroganoff


• wine


• pizza


• fried chicken

See? Those are just off the top of my head. I didn't even put any real thought in to that list. Just think if I had more time to expand!

Then I read this.

“Kate Moss’s comments are likely to cause many more. If you read any of the pro-anorexia websites, they go crazy for quotes like this.”

The slogan is adopted on various websites, including one called Starving For Control.

Green, 22, who is a size 12, added: “Millions of girls aspire to be like Kate Moss. These comments are shocking and irresponsible.”

Wait a second. Pro-Anorexia websites? There are multiple websites that support a disease?

What is this world coming to? Are there pro-polio websites? Are people hoping to successfully become alcoholics? Do we need websites to help us get sick?

Getting back to Kate's motto, maybe I'm not the best judge of what being skinny feels like. The last time I was truly "skinny" I was recovering from mono, so to me skinny feels like a really bad sore throat and dying. I'm sure it feels different to her. Maybe to her it feels like millions of dollars.

I have no personal reference to how millions of dollars feels, but I bet it is pretty awesome.

It just seems to me like in this day and age (the day and age where I just became my grandmother by using that phrase) where even France has banned runway models that are too skinny and young girls are dying every day from anorexia we could try to promote more healthy concepts than "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".

And in that top picture at least, skinny actually looks sort of painful.

I am trying to raise a daughter over here. I would love it if she can be spared the weight issues and self-esteem bullshit I have been dealing with since I was 12.

Inspiration

Kris wrote an amazing post about joining Weight Watchers on her site, Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino.

I love Kris for many reasons not the least of which is that she is an amazing writer.

And if you are reading this blog I am guessing you can relate to this post the way that I can.

She called it Weighing Matters and you should read it.

Kris and I at BlogHer '07 in Chicago. I can't speak for her, but I was easily 20 pounds lighter here.

Hi-Yah!

You will never guess what I did.

I signed up for Tae Kwon Do.

Well, I was tricked into signing up for Tae Kwon Do.

Let me back up a little bit.

My five year old son has been dying to take Tae Kwon Do ever since he found out that his best friend at preschool was taking it. I finally got around to signing him up for it a couple of weeks ago.

There was a special where you got your first four lessons and a do-bok (that is how you say little white outfit in Korean) for $79. It isn't cheap, but he was all about it and my husband and I both thought he would get a lot out of it especially in the area of body control.

You know how little boys are always running in to things.

After two lessons (which he adored) his twin sister decided that she might like it too. So I signed her up.

Last Tuesday I took them in for his fourth lesson and her second lesson. Before the class even started I was whisked in to the office where the Master sat - not one of the underling masters but The Master, the main man, the guy that owns the joint.

It was time for the hard sell.

I don't have the exact figures but signing the two of them up for a year came to somewhere around one million dollars.

Okay, it was significantly less than one million but also significantly more than I had in my bank account. In fact, thinking about it makes me want to vomit, but I know it was the right thing to do. Both children love it, it is marvelous exercise and a lot of their friends from school are in there.

Then The Master says to me "What about you?"

I am thinking: There is no fucking way. There are like four other adults here in the kids classes and they all look like gigantic tool bags. The last thing I need to do is spend another $800 to look like an asshole.

My subconscious has a filthy mouth.

I am saying "No. I really can't afford it."

Then The Master drop the bomb. "I will give you one year for free if you take the class with the children. It helps them learn at home and stay involved."

Oh Shit. I think. How can I turn down a year of free Tae Kwon Do? This would actually give me something to write about on Loser Moms.

The Master said that he would give me the free year, but I actually had to show up. If I didn't actually take the classes he was going to charge me.

So I said yes.

But I was scared.

Really. I didn't want to do it. My kids were through the roof excited, but I was very apprehensive.

I didn't want to look like an idiot.

What if I sucked at it?

What if it was hard?

What if all of the five year old were better than me?

But I had committed to this.

So yesterday I had my first lesson. It was awkward. I had no idea what the lady was saying. Some other parents I knew were there watching their children. But when we broke up in to groups I knew everybody in my group. It was me, Ian (5), Claudia (5), Paige (5) and Emma (6).

I think I probably did look like a tool, but it was kind of fun.

And I wasn't too bad at it.

And Emma's mom was really nice about it. She gave me a thumbs up and everything.

So yeah.

My name is Sarah and I am a white belt in Tae Kwon Do.

***

Cross-Posted on Sarah and the Goon Squad

What is Up With My Neighbors?

If you follow my personal blog at all you may have noticed that I have an interesting neighborhood. My old next door neighbor has been spotted mowing the lawn in a skirt and at other times she was in the yard with no pants on at all. There is also a lady in my neighborhood who walks around carrying a bird in a cage.

This year a whole bunch of new people moved in with little kids and I am thrilled. They are all so nice! But there is a problem.

They keep bringing me cookies.




Home made cookies.



Delicious cookies.



This is SO NICE. I appreciate that a million times more than the one that used to come over and tell me that I needed to trim the tree in my side yard or homeless people would come live under it.

The problem is that I keep eating the cookies.

I have been working on this. I have been on my elliptical at least three times a week. I have been walking with another neighbor. I have been drinking less and eating healthier.

You know, except for all of these cookies.

I love you my neighbors and I think it is very sweet of you to bring me cookies.

But if you really loved me you would bring me some Fen-Phen and a picture of me in a bathing suit because those are two things that I KNOW will help me lose weight.

And The Winners Are....

Not Sarah nor me. This much I can tell you right this minute. Evidently we're bulking up for winter at the moment. Our own girthday party aside, we are incredibly proud and happy to announce the winners of the first The Biggest Loser Mom Contest!

So without further ado, please put your hands together (put down the burger if you have to) for these two amazing women who stuck with their plan and lost the highest percent of body mass:

Grand Prize Winner ($100.00): Natalie S
Second Prize Winner (60.00): Goddess In Progress

Please join us again on January 2, 2010 when we will kick off the Second Round of The Biggest Loser Mom Contest. Stimey has given us a most excellent name for it too.

The 2nd Biggest Loser Mom Contest: Fuck All Y'all Edition.


Sign ups begin now! Same Paypal instructions as last time. 10 bucks to join us on our quest to be healthier women in 2010!

There Will Be a Winner

We didn't forget about you. The winners will be announced. We just are really terribly disorganized, and our submissions are all over the place.

Feel free to leave your answers here again or we will figure it all out somehow tomorrow.

Then on to round 2.

Until then, just back away slowly from the Halloween candy.

The End Is Here

Okay all of you Losers, our first season of The Biggest Loser Mom will end tonight at midnight EST. If you have any last minute losing to do, now is the time. Tomorrow morning you need to either email or leave your loss in the comments so we can figure out who are winners are. Also, please submit a "before" and "after" pic so we can post em.

Sarah and I figure we can just take one picture which will represent both. This picture was taken "before." As for "after?" We look about the same minus the hats. But you gals? You are the stars of our show!

That's right, you guys (technically gals) are the winners and we are the true losers having lost our own damn contest. But that's okay. You see the point wasn't just for this contest to be about us, it was supposed to empower you.

And we are delighted with the results. Not only did we get to know one another a little better, we had guest posters and people supporting one another.

So get your stats to us about your progress. We will name a winner and a first runner up.

And for those of you, like Sarah and me, who may not have won anything by losing, we're going to start up the new season of The Biggest Loser Mom when Sarah gets back from her second honeymoon. So stick around and join us for the next season beginning the week of October 26th.

And this time, Sarah and I will kick all of your collective ass.

Jillian Michaels is Trying to Kill Me

Jillian Michaels is Trying to Kill Me

Or, how I gained new found respect for the contestants on the Biggest Loser.

A guest post by our friend, fellow twin mom and Biggest Loser Mom contestant, Liz from Goddess in Progress.

* * *

I'm a fan of The Biggest Loser. I think it's amazing and inspirational to see what people are capable of doing. Like any "reality" show, there is plenty of inserted drama, and I always DVR over the too-obvious product placements. But still, I love it.

I will admit, however, to scoffing at the scenes when the contestants break down in tears, begging Jillian to let them take a break, swearing up and down that they are going to die. "Yeah right," I think. "Get over it. Jillian isn't actually going to let you die."

I think I might be wrong.

This morning, I tried her 30-Day Shred DVD for the first time. Now, while I am out of shape and overweight, I am not a stranger to exercise. I completed the EA Sports 30 Day Challenge, which was definitely real exertion. I went to the gym just yesterday and did 40 sweaty minutes on the elliptical. I am not completely sedentary. But I got about two-thirds of the way through the Level 1 Workout (complete with beginner modifications), and I could not breathe. Seriously, I had to wake up my husband to find out where he keeps his inhaler, and I am not the asthmatic in the family. I couldn't make it 20 minutes with Jillian on a DVD. Yet I watch 400-pound people have her all up in their face, and know that they're doing it for six hours a day. I will never call any of them whiny, ever again. (Or, at least, not when they're protesting the workouts.)

I had heard about what an ass-kicker this DVD can be. I've jumped on the Shredhead bandwagon and signed up for their October Challenge. I was ready for my legs to be sore (they are) and for my arms to be like jello (they are). I was not prepared for the fact that I could not even complete the first workout. It's a good thing I was in the living room by myself, because it was downright embarrassing.

And yet... I'm finding the competition and mob mentality of these group challenges, like here on Loser Moms or over at Shredheads, to be a welcome external source of motivation. I definitely have a competitive side, and so any time I consider falling off the wagon, a little voice screams "but I want to WIN!" And though that voice has some serious crazy in it, I'm listening. Hell, I'm down nearly 10 pounds, it can't be all wrong.

And Jillian, you crazy bitch you... I'll see you again on Friday.

Liz is a stay-at-home mom to twin toddlers, which is not so much the guarantee of exercise and weight loss as some people suggested that it would be. It kicks her ass in entirely different ways, which she writes about at Goddess in Progress, and at How Do You Do It?, a blog for moms of multiples. She also writes about her (entirely sedentary, hrm) quilting obsession at Teeny Tiny Quilts, and figures that stress-fabric-buying is better for her waistline than stress-eating.

Stimey Lays Out Her Dieting Options

Hey! Another guest post. You guys rule. Please welcome one of my favorite bloggers and the person I am plotting to steal boots from, Stimey. She also threw grapes at me one time, but that is a different story. Without further ado:

Remember when the Biggest Loser Mom Contest started and I was all, "I am going to kick your asses! Prepare to go down! I'm winning this thing!" Remember that? Well, I'm down three pounds, but it's not exactly the ten I was hoping for by this time.

Well, in an effort to find the best way to get to my goal, I've laid out my dieting options here.

Jab my metabolism into action by eating a pan of brownies. Nope. That backfired. That's what got me here in the first place.

Buying exercise equipment. Oh, you mean you actually have to use it?

Anorexia. I'm too hungry and lack discipline.

Bulimia. Ick. Plus, ever since I had kids, my bladder leaks when I vomit. And I just can't take that added insult.

Liquid Diet. It turns out that beer has calories. And it makes you more likely to stuff things like potato chips into your craw. Also, ice cream soup isn't that good for you.

A "cleanse." I'm not entirely sure what this is, but it sounds kind of gross and unpleasant. Plus, I heard something on the radio about how after doing a cleanse, people claim to have never felt better, but then they never do it again. So, no.

Weight Watchers. This one actually works! Or at least it did once, when I was in my twenties. I think that by the third or forth time you join, you take it less seriously. Remember that I lack discipline?

Eat a good breakfast, then nothing else all day. They say when you eat breakfast that it kick starts your metabolism. I think it just kick starts my hunger. After cereal or eggs, I'm hungry like an hour later.

Eat nothing all day until I eat a healthy dinner. I can happily go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating. But then I want to eat from then until midnight.

South Beach Diet. I don't know what this is, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it involves me wearing a bikini. So, again. No.

Atkins. But my carbs! My precious carbs!

Raw diet. It turns out that Doritos aren't raw. Dammit.

Exercise daily and eat several, small, healthy, low-calorie meals over the course of the day. Well, fuck. Why is it always the hardest option that works?


Stimey writes a lot about parenting, her life, and autism over at Stimeyland, but there is a surprising lack of stories about her successful weight loss there. Come to think of it, maybe if she spent less time sitting on her ass in front of her computer, she'd be thinner. Again, the least attractive solution is always the one with the potential to work.

Dressing Room Confessions

Behold our first guest post from a Biggest Loser Mom contestant. Please welcome my friend, Sue.

I had an epiphany yesterday. And not the good kind where someone brings you gold, frankincense and myrrh.

My 9-year old needs an outfit for school picture day this week. So we headed to Kohls over the weekend and loaded up the dressing room with outfits. (Every one in which her 9-year old body looked adorable.) You know what wasn't adorable?

I caught a glimpse of myself standing behind her in the ginormous mirror.

HOLY HELL!!! Is THAT what I look like???

I don't have a full-length mirror in my house. And I know I have put on a "few" pounds in the past year, but I really had no idea that anyone else could see them. Except, like I said, HOLY HELL! The image in the mirror was not at ALL how I thought I looked. I hardly recognized myself.

I have to admit, I've been a little lazy about this challenge. I was waiting for preschool to start so I could exercise without a four-year old climbing on me. And then school started last week and I was really behind on my errands, so I thought I'd just spend a few days running those first. And, you know, the pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks, so while I was running my errands, lemme grab one of those...

But looking in that mirror at Kohls, I knew. There is no more denying it. And no laziness. IT MUST STOP HERE. I need to lace up my dreaded sneakers and hit the streets. Which I did, the very morning after. And I must pry the chocolate chip cookies from my hands and tape my mouth shut.

These past 12 or so months, I've been in denial. I eat generally healthy. Ok, except for the aforementioned cookies. (Ok AND the lattes.) But I have no portion control. And I don't exercise. Because I hate it. HATE. IT.

So here are my resolutions for this week.

• Eat MUCH smaller portions. Use a salad plate instead of a dinner plate. Use a mug instead of a bowl. Drink a whole bottle of water first, any time I feel like snacking.


• Exercise in some way, every day. Whether it's spending 20 minutes with the dreaded Jillian, walking my daughter to preschool instead of driving or hitting the elliptical at the gym. (Hello Ballys! Remember me? I haven't been here since May!) And here's how I will enforce this resolution... I won't open Google Reader until I have exercised. (Gotta hit myself where it counts.)

How is everyone else doing? Any resolutions to share?


If blogging burned calories, Sue would be skinny. (Wouldn't we all?) Since it doesn't, she is hoping to lose 30 pounds the old-fashioned way. And plans to use exercise as a new way to avoid doing the laundry. She writes at Laundry for Six, DC Metro Moms and Blissfully Domestic.

I Should Follow My Own Diet Advice

While on a diet:

1) A cheese steak sandwich isn't the best choice.

2) One lunch is enough.

3) You don't need cookies.

I blame PMS.

Visiting Old Places, Having a new mindset

So I mentioned in the comments that I was away last week. The two sons and I took a road trip to Kentucky, Illinois and Kansas. Roadtrips present certain challenges for me, and this was the first time I actually paid attention to what those challenges actually are and the way I deal with them.

1. Thinking "I can eat whatever I want when we stop for gas. It's just a snack." No. I can't. I can't because I usually pick the absolute most disgustingly big chocolate bar or some other equally large and calorie packed confection. So this time I bought a small bag of Sugar Free York Peppermint patties. And when the kids asked, "Can we have some." I said, "YES!" this meant there were fewer patties for me to put in my piehole. Always a good thing.

2. Krispy Kreme donuts are the devil. And if you eat them, you must ration them. If you ration them long enough they will stay in the box in your car for 3 days, and at the end of that period, they will gross you out. If they gross you out, then you can throw them away easily.

2 a. It's stupid to buy donuts you will throw out in three days. Don't waste your money like that. Instead buy two donuts. And only two donuts. No more, no less. One donut will leave you wanting more, two donuts are just enough. Three donuts put you over the Hill of Remorse. Trust me on this.

3. Tough shit if your restaurant server looks at you funny when you ask them to box up half of your meal before it is served to you. Fuck 'em. They aren't fat. When they fifty pounds heavier, they can dispapprove of my request and give me a tough time. But for now, box up half of my food and leave your condemnation of me in the kitchen.

4. Hit a big box store and buy your own snacks for the road. This will stop the temptation of buying the Reeses Peanut Butter cups when you fill up your car. Repeat after me, "Filling stations are for filling you car, not your face."

5. One bite of something you love, which is utterly not good for you or on your food program, tastes the same as if you had eaten the entire thing. Decide which is more important, losing the pounds or having an entire piece of cake at the Bar Mitzvah. Okay, maybe that is a bit more specific than what everyone else is doing, but you get the picture.

At the end of the trip, following these fab 5, I lost weight instead of gaining it. Considering my goal was to be down 2 lb's this week, I think I did fairly well. Even if I don't do the math.

What did you do differently this week? Or will you do anything differently next week?

Biggest Loser Mom Progress Report: Day 7

Well, the Holiday weekend has been tough. Gabe barbecued a pork shoulder and it was amazing.

This morning I was down .5 pounds (overall) which is a pound up from three days ago.



And you guys are right. I shouldn't weigh myself every day. That is a recipe for mania.

Still, I'm doing better. I am getting back into the routine of exercising. I am paying more attention to what I am putting in my mouth. At my fantasy football draft I only ate one piece of meatatarian pizza (albeit a POUS) and I only drank two beers. There was a bowl of chips in front of me and I did not even eat one.

Not one chip. That is some sort of superhuman willpower.

At least superSarah willpower. Salty snacks and beer are like Kryptonite to me.

While I don't seem to be on track to win the big money I am making progress.

How are you guys doing? How did your first week go?

_____

ps - Send me your guest posts on the biggest loser mom challenge and I will post them.

pps - Clearly that is not my scale. The last time I weighed 115 I was in elementary school.

Biggest Loser mom Challenge Day 1 Recap

Day 2: No change.

I did fairly well on day 1.

And by fairly well I mean I only ate one cookie and I only drank a glass and a half of wine.

That isn't all I ate all day. I also had fruit and tuna and a HUGE salad for dinner.

I also did 20 minutes on my elliptical.

And when I weighed myself this morning there was no change.

And so far I am okay with that.



But tomorrow morning there had better be a change because today I am eating even better, and I am hungry.

It Is On

It has begun.

Let The Biggest Loser Moms Contest commence.


I'll have you know that I haven't eaten a thing today. Granted, it is 7:45 and I've only been up since 7:00, but still, that is a start.

And while the rest of you are under no obligation to do this I will tell you this - I weighed in this morning at 184.5.

So there it is.

And away we go!

I'm Sure This is Healthy

Our big contest starts tomorrow.

* takes deep breath*

I'm not screwing around this time either. I really want to lose this belly and gain your hard earned money. You'd have to ask Devra but I think the pot is up over $100 already.

I also have two family weddings coming up in 2010 and I really don't want to be the fat girl in all of the pictures.

*takes another deep breath*

Anyway, today is my last day of being a pig and while I am not going to binge, I am planning on eating some sort of dinner that includes a great deal of cheese and sour cream.

Mmmmm. Cheese.

Because tomorrow morning it will be broughten. I bet we can lose 200 pounds. (All together of course*, not each, that would be too much.)







* I can hear you all saying "I bet we can lose 200 pounds" a la "Airplane!"

Hey Ladies!

Devra and I are very excited that so many of you are joining us in our first "Biggest Loser Mom"* contest.

It looks like now we have about 10 people participating and if (unlike Devra) you can do simple math in your head (I tease her because I love her) you realize that if we all pitch in $10 the pot will me $100.

(Not to be confused with $100 worth of pot, which doesn't help anybody lose weight.)**

We would now like to extend the invitation to those of you playing along at home to also guest post about what you are doing to lose the weight. I think we could all use some good ideas and extra motivation.

And a little trash talking never hurt anybody.

Oh! One more thing! We need a button or banner for our contest. If any of you have mad skills and the inclination you will earn the people's ovation, fame forever*** and a special bonus ad for your blog either here or on SATGS (or both if I can figure it out).

We only have six more days of eating and beer, so let's not waste any more time talking.

Love,

Sarah







* This is in to way restricted to Moms, the contest name is in reference to the name of the website. You don't even have to be a woman. We don't discriminate here.

** So I've heard. Hi Mom!

*** Nothing like a little Food Network humor for all of us that need to lose a few pounds.

The Biggest Loser Mom Contest

Dear Annette from Catnip and Coffee :

Thank you for suggesting we have a Biggest Loser contest. Your comment on our blog has inspired us to kick our own collective ass!

Love,
Sarah and Devra

We are announcing "The Biggest Loser Mom"* competition! There will be a Grand prize Loser Mom and a Loser Mom Runner Up. Even if no one else wants to participate, but we hope you will, we're going to do it and post our results.

Sarah and I have talked it over. We agree that while we are each extremely successful at motivating, supporting and encouraging other people, we both,quite frankly, suck at self-motivation, self-direction and tend to discourage ourselves.

Which does make it seem counter productive to participate in a weight loss contest. I mean, when a person (or in our case two) isn't self-motivated, it might go hand in hand that that person (or people) don't give a rats ass if she (or they) win a competition.

Unless maybe the prize could be beer (for Sarah) and a three-way with Ben & Jerry (for Devra).

However, it cannot be those sorts of prizes. Because those are the type of "winnings" have contributed to the collective ass we now wish to lose. It's time for an attitude adjusment. It's time for us to kick our own ass and we invite you to kick it, or your own, too.

Rules are simple. Because if they are complicated we'll just give up, drink beer and eat icecream.

Length of Contest: Begins September 1, 2009. Ends October 15, 2009

Entry fee: $10.00 per participant. Contest is open to anyone over the age of 18 who wants to participate. Entry fees will be kept in a PayPal account which will then be used as prize money for the two winners.

Liability: None for us. You participate of your own free will, medical clearance is your responsibility. Basically we're holding the contest, but participation is at your own risk. Think of this declaration as being similar to the sign you see in restaurants stating they aren't responsible for any articles of clothing left at the establishment.

Weigh-in: Weekly. Weigh yourself on the same scale at the same time of day, wearing the same clothes for each weekly weigh-in. Loss will be calculated by a percentage, not by pound (lb.). Here is an explanation of how to calculate.

Awarding of Prizes: The week of October 15 when the contest officially ends. Two prizes will be awarded, with first prize going to the person who has the highest percentage of weight loss, and second prize to the next highest percentage of weight loss.

* The contest is named for our site "Loser Moms" there is no requirement that participants be moms.
Sign Up Today!

The Biggest Loser Mom Contest

Lack of Motivation

I am nearly as fat as I have ever been.

I hate looking at myself in pictures.

My clothes don't fit.

I want to change.

Yet I binge.

Why can't I get motivated?

I don't think I am depressed, but I can't stand myself.

What is left?

Help me internet, you are my only hope.

And I asked myself, "How did I get here?"

This past weekend we went to an amusement park and my younger son kept poking at my arm and saying things like "You've got a jiggly arm. Why is it jiggly? Mine isn't jiggly." And he is right. My arm is jiggly. However the question that stopped me in my tracks was, "Mom, what happened to you?"

What indeed happened to me? I gained 60 pounds that I can't seem to permanently drop. But that is the easy answer. The harder answer is "What happened to me?" Because something really did happen to me. And I never want it to happen to my kids. Ever.

I had a cousin who died from complications of Anorexia, but this didn't stop my great aunt (her mother) from making comments about my weight whenever I walked into her apartment. I think she thought the observations weren't personal, after all they were just about my weight, not about me; "Oh, Devra's weight looks wonderful." or "What's going on with Devra's weight?" Maybe she thought it was polite conversation and instead of asking "How are you?" she inquired about my weight.

It was ridiculous. And damaging.

There I was in my tweens and teens, average weight for my height, and yet I was continually thinking I was overweight or in danger of being overweight. Looking back on my pictures from my childhood, I was not obese. And yet, I had a doctor tell me in 7th grade "You're as big as a house." The picture of me you see in this post? Taken the same week as my doctor appointment. I'm the one in the purple, the house is wearing white.

So this weekend I had an epiphany of sorts. My son handed me a road map and it's time to find my way to being me again. I don't have a need to be a certain size or weight, all I want is to have my mind connect to my body and be at a point where I can live life, feel healthy and not tsk tsk myself.

Help Wanted

We love Vionna. She is a wonderful personal trainer and a she has become a friend to boot, but there is a problem. Vionna's studio is in Bethesda. This rocks if you live in DC, Silver Spring, Chevy Chase, Kensington, Takoma Park* or anywhere around there.

It kind of stinks if you live in Northern Virginia.

The traffic in this area is just too bad. Vionna's studio is probably less than 15 miles from my house, but they are a slow 15 miles. A one hour work out ends up being about 3 1/2 hours round trip.

To make a long story short, Devra and I are on the hunt for a personal trainer somewhere in Fairfax County. Drop us a line if you are interested.






* I couldn't remember the name of Takoma Park so I honest to God Googled "Maryland hippies live" and it came right up. Awesome.

I'll Miss You Most of All

Yesterday I posted a few of my pictures from BlogHer on my personal site.

This morning I had an e-mail from one of my very best friends that due to geography I haven't seen in a few years.

She was wondering if I had gotten a boob job.

You see, I have spent most of my life being tormented by my "friends" about how flat chested I am. It isn't even that I am a late bloomer. It is just that after breastfeeding twins, gaining 40 pounds and buying a couple of Wonderbras I finally have some cleavage.

In fact, when I was at BlogHer one of my favorite BlogHers (I'll let her choose if she wishes to be named here or not) told me I had a "magnificent rack".

I have never been so flattered in my entire life.

Well, that isn't exactly true. One time a girl told me that she wished she were a man so that she could make love me to. THAT is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Anyway, as much as I find it fascinating that for the first time in my life men are talking to my chest I still want to lose the 40 extra pounds.

And I am going to do it.

But I sure am going to miss these breasts.

Possibly the picture she was asking about. Oh how I love that dress.

On Tea, and Diets and Mysteries*

I know when you are on a quest to lose weigh one of the most important things is drinking lots of water. I know from weight watchers meetings of yore and diet blogs of today that a lot of people have trouble with drinking water. They think it is boring or gross.

I love water (if it is cold) and I could drink it all day, but there is one big problem with water.

Water lacks caffeine.

This is a problem for me.

So I have been brewing my own iced tea at home. This way I feel like I am drinking something with flavor, it has zero calories and it is yummy.

This is all assuming you like unsweetened tea which I do.

Another bonus of tea is that it is easier on the stomach than drinking vast quantities of coffee, it has far less sugar than an energy drink, less carcinogens than diet soda and less empty calories than regular soda.

Of course you have to keep in mind that you still need water to counteract the caffeine, but it still helps me eat less.

* The mystery can either be the fact that I never wrote anything about a mystery so why didn't I change the blog title or you can just know that I keep misplacing my iced tea and it turned out not to be interesting enough to talk about.

Double Shame

I didn't want to talk about this but I'm not seeing a way around explaining the extra weight.

I quit smoking about eight months ago.

Yes, I know. There is no reason that a grown woman with children should have been smoking cigarettes in the first place. I quit a long time ago before the twins were born. Then one thing led to another and I found myself sneaking smokes in my garage when the kids were napping.

Anyway, that is not the point. The point is that I quit.

That was the good news.

The bad news is that quitting smoking wrecks havoc on a diet.

So I am fatter than I was last year at BlogHer time and I HATE that.

Can anyone recommend a good detox or cleanse of some sort? I need a kick start.

While You Are Reading that Other Post

I may, at some point, write a post about my discomfort with my body and how that affects me when I am around large groups of women (read, like at BlogHer), but I am not ready to do that right now.

A couple of weeks ago I was the heaviest I have ever been when I was not pregnant.

It was not a pretty place for me physically or mentally.

Since then I am down three or four pounds. Not much, but it turns out that they were three or four very important pounds and the shedding of them has made me feel much better. I think I am not quite ready to say more about it than that right now.

In the meantime (I warned you in the title that something like this was going to happen) go read Maggie's post at Okay. Fine. Dammit. about body image and weight and BlogHer.

You won't be sorry.

Another Great Post About Weight

I wish I wrote this post, but I didn't. Anna from ABDPBT wrote it.

Personally, I don’t have a lot of anxiety about BlogHer in particular and weight: I figure that most people there will be Moms and we all probably have a little extra poundage here and there. There is pretty much zero chance that I’m going to walk into BlogHer and feel more self-conscious about weight than I do when I visit Fred Segal. But her point stands: most people don’t care about how much you weigh because they are too worried about how much they weigh. I do think this is, for the most part, true. I do think that nobody gives you as much thought as you give yourself.

Go read the whole thing. It is brilliant.

Advice Needed

It is so hard to eat healthy when I am on the road with my kids.

They want to go to McDonalds for every meal. I am convinced that they don't care much about the food but that they love the toys that come with the Happy Meals. I suppose it really isn't important, because I find that while driving 1000 miles with two 5 year olds the deciding factor on where to eat is always what makes them the quietest.

So internet, please tell me, how do you eat healthy (and/or low fat) on long car trips?

Salad and Exercise

I've been doing them both, you know, the salad and the exercise. And now my husband is in a really bad mood. Seriously, he's like pissed off that I am eating more healthfully and exercising. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? I know he exercises regularly, he's never had a weight problem. I've not changed a damn thing other than eating salad at dinner instead of what he and the kids are eating.

What gives?

She Has An Excellent Question

Very Busy Mom with 4 asks Does Skinny Really Feel as Good as German Chocolate Cake Tastes?

I'll be honest with you guys, I don't remember much about either one.

To the best of my recollection they were each awesome in their own way, but it has been a while on both fronts.

I Lost 108 Pounds in One Morning!

This morning when I woke up I weighed myself.

It said 184.5

Then I got on the scale right before lunch.

It said 77.0

or possibly 770, but I prefer the former number.

I'm thinking my scale needs a new battery.

Either that or eating one piece of toast instead of a bagel for breakfast makes a huge difference.

Hard to Brag

I wish I could post here and say that I am doing a great job and I lost 20 pounds, but it isn't so.

BUT!

I am down 4 pounds. It has taken six weeks, but they seem to be four permanent (ish) pounds.

It is a start. I'll take what I can get.

I Just Threw Away a Perfectly Good Cheesecake

About a million years ago (okay, it was probably closer to three or four) Devra and I went to Weight Watchers meetings together.

I think there are a lot of wonderful things about Weight Watchers. I find writing things down insanely helpful. I think weighing in in front of a stranger motivating. I have no idea why. And I think that going to meetings with a friend is a sure way to make sure you keep going and stick with the plan. At least somewhat.

There are reasons I don't do Weight Watchers anymore, but the number one reason is that they started charging for meetings that you missed. 

I think that is robbery.

There are also the time constraints. When is a meeting I can go to every week? Right now my life is too unpredictable to make that kind of commitment.

Okay, but none of these things are my point. My point is that I used to go to the meetings.

I think WW meetings are very helpful. I like knowing that other people are having the same struggles as me. Not so much that I like that other people are suffering too, but just feeling not alone makes me feel less crazy and less out of control.

My favorite part of the meetings are when the other people in your class give tips that have helped them.

And one time Devra said she threw away food.

She said she knew once the cookies were in the garbage can she would not touch them.

I remember thinking that it seemed extreme... sort of. But it works.

If I have a bag of Doritos in my house I will eat them. I cannot control myself around Doritos. I know this. If there is a bag of Doritos in the trash can it is no longer food. It is garbage.

Five minutes ago I threw away a cheesecake that only had one piece missing.

Part of me feels like I just threw a $20 bill in the rubbish.

Most of me feels proud that I didn't eat the entire cake by myself like I wanted to.

So thank you, Devra.

And please, nobody tell my husband.

---

I remember what Devra said she told her husband when he asked about the cookies. She told him she "disposed of them". She said her family just assumed she ate them, and that was fine with her.

Some Motivation For You

Life Up Your Hearts has a list that she thought was getting boring, but I think it is and excellent collection of reasons to lose weight.

Maybe I should read this every day.

Weight Loss Motivation

I would also like to add my own reason. I can no longer stand to look at pictures of myself and we only have about eight more weeks until BlogHer.

Can No Longer Claim "Baby Weight"

My twins are turning five years old today.

While I feel completely comfortable blaming my stretch marks on carrying two babies around in my body at the same time I think five years is about three years beyond the cutoff where I can actually blame my belly on the pregnancy.

This sucks.

---

That being said, the weather was so beautiful on Mother's Day that I took a three mile walk. It was lovely. Now if the Gods can just make it 75 degrees and sunny with low humidity every day I will no longer have the excuse not to do that either.

Loser Mom FAIL

Up three more pounds.

I am officially four pounds lighter than the heaviest I have ever been (not including being pregnant with twins.)

Maybe bathing suit season will get me off of my fat ass.

Does anyone have any tips on how they get motivated to start a diet?

My friend, it isn't coincidence that foodieism rhymes with Judaism. Happy Passover!

When Passover hits, I keep it for the entire 8 days, I clear out all the bread, pasta and yeast from our pantry. For weeks prior to Passover I search online and in my cookbooks for Passover recipes. But we don't keep Kosher the rest of the year, I don't use different plates than the ones we use every day. We've even welcomed tortilla's into our life as "unleavened bread."

I've also been known to announce we are having Sephardic Night so we can go ahead and eat corn and rice during Passover which is something Ashkenazi Jews don't customarily do.

So it was no wonder I had the following exchange with my younger son today as we were discussing tonight's dinner menu:

Son Two: Can we make Shrimp Scampi for dinner?
Me: Sure. But we're going to make the recipe from Cooking Light.
Son Two: It's the recipe using the long flat noodles. Right?
Me: Yes, but we're having the Scampi over rice because we can't have noodles since it's still Passover.
Son Two: stares at me. Hard.

Suffice it to say Matzo Ball Soup made it back onto the menu this evening. And I even made it with broth that did not include "yeast extract."

I am a walking, talking and cooking contradiction.

On Being Rich and Thin

The World’s Shortest Guide On How To Be Thin and Rich

I think The Millionaire Mommy Makes two excellent points here.

Now, If only I could follow those simple guidelines...

Trying to Get Back on The Wagon

Spring Break... it was so easy not to exercise.

I was at my brother's house, driving 10 hours each way, eating McDonalds. Ugh.

Then I went to the WNBA Draft and I ate pizza and cheese steak. It was wonderful, but I think I need to get back on the wagon.

I'm scared to get on my scale. According to my brother's scale I lost 14 pound in two days just by eating McDonalds and bagels. But if he is telling the truth and it is actually an issue of eights looking like sixes in the tens place I may have gained six pounds which is a much more likely scenario.

*sigh*

Jillian, I'm coming home to you. Please don't hurt me to much.

How NOT to Do It

I touched on this issue briefly on my personal blog, but I would like to talk about it a little bit here as well.

If you are trying to lose weight, or even if you are merely trying not to be obscenely bloated, I am going to recommend not eating an entire bag of Cheddar Chex Mix in a single sitting.

Really you shouldn't polish one of these bad boys off in an entire day.

Holy Sodium, Batman!

It turns out that Chex Mix is one of my trigger foods. You know, you start eating it and you can't stop?

(My other trigger foods? Doritos, Tootsie Rolls, bacon, cheese and crackers, Oreos, french fries, pizza, brownies, cheetohs... the list goes on an on).

I know what I have to do. I cannot have this food in my house anymore. It IS that simple.

And take it from me. It tasted good while it lasted, but I feel like a pile a shit right about now, mentally and physically.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to drink my 30th glass of water this afternoon. I can't imagine why I am so thirsty.

/sarcasm

I Can't Handle the Truth

Wow.

I finally found a diet plan that seems to be working for me.

Drink less beer, eat less food and exercise.

The truth sucks.

If All of My Friends Jumped Off of a Bridge...

Yes Mom, if all of my friends jumped off a bridge I would too.

And THAT is why I am one day three of Jillian Michaels - 30 Day Shred.

It is also why my shoulders hurt.

It is only a twenty minute work out. I thought "Well, hell. I can do anything for 20 minutes."

I was mistaken. It really hurts.

But for as much as I hate my life while I am doing it, and as much as I know I am only on level one and I have a grave fear of levels two and three, I know that after only two days I can already feel that my abs are tighter.

Sure, there is still a huge layer of fat blocking my awesome ab muscles but maybe that will magically disappear somewhere around day 7.

No?

Either way, I think I am really going to try to stick with it.

For any of you doing the workouts too, you know Natalie? I want my body to look like hers.

I did take pictures right before my first workout, but mercifully my camera battery charger has gone missing and so I am unable to post a picture of myself in work out clothes at this juncture.

Maybe I'll find it closer to day 15.

_


Cross-Posted at Sarah and the Goon Squad.

I Got My Cardio the Old Fashioned Way

I know, you are thinking I stole my cardio, but it isn't the case at all.

I earned it.

It wasn't on a treadmill or at aerobics class either.

I had these wonderful plans about getting on my elliptical this morning or talking a long walk. See, I finished most of my writing deadlines yesterday so I knew I had three free hours this morning while my kids were at preschool.

(Well, two hours once you subtract all of the time it takes schleping them to and from school, but you know what I mean.)

And then it happened.

I got called in to sub.

My kids go to a cooperative pre-school. This means that every day there is a parent helping out in the classroom. It also means that when a teacher gets sick a parent is called in to substitute.

Today was my day.

It was actually a pretty nice day outside. It was in the high 40s and it was sunny but there was still snow on the playground.

I pulled children in a huge circle around the playground for 40 minutes straight. I kid you not. There was a line.

I ran. I walked. I pulled. I lifted.

I began to sweat.

I did this for 40 minutes.

That was four hours ago and I am starting to get sore and I need a nap, but I burned calories and I made friends with a bunch of four year olds.

(It was like a parallel universe to the exercise I got on Monday when I shoveled my driveway. On Monday my own four year olds accused me of playing in the snow wrong and not pulling them on the sled enough. I maintained that I would much rather pull them on the sled but I had to shovel the driveway or it would turn to ice and we would break our necks trying to leave the house which is much more painful than the emotional trauma of having to make snow angels for 45 minutes.)

So that was my cardio for the day.

How about you?

Just Another Manic Monday

Tomorrow is The Day many of us who are trying to lose weight are all too familiar with; Monday. It's the day when most of us try to make good on the promises we made the previous week to exercise more in the coming week, to begin again on the food plan, to commit to writing down everything we eat, to eat more vegetables, drink the recommended daily amount for water and to remember to take our vitamins. It's the day we love to hate and I hate that about Monday.

Tomorrow is a new day people!

After years of thinking Monday had some magical power to help me change bad habits or develop healthier ones I have instead chosen to channel my high school biology teacher Mr. Combs who always told us in his heavy southern accent, "You can change yer mind if you have one." I've done changed my mind about Monday.

Mondays will no longer represent a monumental difference in the way I do anything. No. I've decided making Monday promises to myself is self-defeating. I'm not sure why I break my own promises, I have excellent intentions, the actions just aren't living up to them. I am steadfast in keeping promises I make to others. I just can't seem to keep promises I make to myself. Essentially I have decided Mondays are a mind fuck. I've spent enough time screwing around with Monday and I think the time has come for me to play the field more, pay more attention to the rest of the days of the week. So...

Come Monday I'll be feeling alright.

But officer, all I had was a small slice of pepperoni. Honest!

My son made this pizza. From scratch. All by himself. I had to eat it. Right? No, not right. I could have had just a piece and not the entire thing. After all a piece of it will taste just the same as the rest of it. I don't drink an entire bottle of wine at one sitting yet I feel compelled to eat an entire pint of icecream all at once.

In fact, now that I think about it some more, I am amazingly cautious about having even a glass of wine if I know I will be driving in an hour. I NEVER risk having even the slightest amount of booze in my body before I get behind the wheel of a car.

Ooh- Ooh-Oooh!

What if I pretend I could get pulled over by law enforcement and arrested for overeating? Maybe the next time I go out for dinner I could try to have this kind of a conversation:

Waiter: Would you like to see our dessert menu?

Me: No,thank you. Really. I can't. I'm driving tonight. I don't want to leave here and get into my car with chocolate on my breath. It's not worth the risk.

My New Favortie Scapegoat

This has nothing to do with my eating (or beer drinking) habit.

I have gained all this weight because I caught the fat virus.


I no longer need diet or exercise, I just need some antibiotics or something.




ps - This isn't me. My belly is way bigger than this.

(found this link on Happy Meals and Happy Hour)

The Update - Sort Of

Last week I told you that I started an over the counter cleanse program and I would let you know how it went.

Well, I am reporting back, but I doubt it is any sort of answer you were looking for.

I took the pills for two day and very little changed except I got a headache.

Then I got a cold.

I seriously doubt the two are related, but either way I stopped taking it.

On the upside, I lost two pounds.

I credit the cold medicine.

If I tell her it's Quaker, she may get even more confused.

Last night my mother called from Connecticut. She had a question for me. "Are you going into DC for the inauguration?" What follows is my unedited answer and the conversation which followed:

Me: No, we're not going into DC. I think it will be too chaotic. Just the idea of going reminds me of what it felt like to attend the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade when I was little and had to peek through people's legs to watch the floats and marching bands. It's not like I've really gotten that much taller either. I don't think a grown woman peeking through the legs of others would be appropriate, even if it is to watch a presidential inaugaration.

Mom: Are you going to watch it at your house?

Me: We're inviting a few people over to watch history from Sarah's house. And we won't even have to cook. Balducci's is our caterer.

Mom: What did you say about Jesus?

Me: Nothing. I didn't say anything about Jesus.

Mom: Oh I thought you said something about Jesus and catering.

Me: Contrary to what you may have thought you heard, Jesus is not our personal caterer, it's Balducci's.

If you want to check in on our Tuesday morning gathering we will be tweeting it and possibly Ustreaming too. More details can be found here!

Pardon My French

Trying to start a diet when you are PMS'ing like crazy is a fucking waste of time.

Here Goes Nothing

I have no idea what my problem is. I keep gaining weight. I am starting to get desperate. I freaked out. I went to the drug store and just picked something off of the shelf.

To be completely honest my main reason for choosing this product was because there wasn't on anything on the package indicating "oily gassy discharge".

This morning 185.5.

I'll report back in a week. (or less if something really amazing happens)

Here goes nothing.

Come Out, Come Out Where Ever You Are

It is delurking day.

Please come out and say hi. Or tell us your favorite healthy snack. Or tell us your favorite unhealthy snack. Just comment just for this one day.

Winning can of coffee isn't as popular as winning a Wii Fit? C'mon, it could be.

Sarah and Laurel*have entered the photo contest to win a can of Louisiana coffee. Right now the competition is fierce. They are both posting pics like madwomen!

Are you going to let one of these two take what I know is rightfully yours? Contest will end on Wednesday January 13, 2009. Think about it, maybe you didn't win the Wii Fit and you are bitter, well so is the coffee! Plus, you don't need to put on sneakers to use the coffee.

*Laurel doesn't even drink real coffee. She drinks what I refer to as "Cajun Sludge." Feh!